Artemis Out Loud

2002-11-27T07:53:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Rituals

One of the few traditions in my family is that, every Thanksgiving, we hold hands at the table and say what we are thankful for that year. I realize this is a fairly common tradition, but we have so few that I cling to it rather tightly. I am not at home this Thanksgiving (well, not at that home, at least) and so I wrote this on my school plan, and thought it would do well here as well. It's from the gut, late at night, so ignore the over-the-top sentimentality and the lack of analysis.

Happy Thanksgiving Week to everyone... though this is a celebration rooted in oppression and murder, I think it is worthwhile to take a day, any day, to give thanks for the many blessings each of us has. Especially us, who live in comfortable surroundings as we pursue higher education in the company of wise and wonderful women who challenge, inspire, frustrate and delight us, we have so much to be thankful for.

I, for one, am thankful for the lunchtable (my gang of friends) as a whole, and for each member individually. I am thankful for the professors who have tolerated and pushed me, and perhaps even for those who have royally pissed me off. I am thankful for our school's founder and the many women and men who have come after her to ensure that my college was and still is a top-notch institution of learning for women, and especially to the adult student program which opened up the gates to us old folks.

Obviously, I am thankful for the BGF's presence in my life, as well as for the many women (and some men) who came before and prepared me for this love, for this new life I feel is beginning. I am thankful for the hurts I have felt, and for the lessons I have learned, because they continue to instruct and inform me as much as my hopes and my dreams do, which seems to be working pretty well.

I am thankful to be living in a country where I am, for the most part, free, where I am not restricted in my movements, dress and employment because of gender, and where I have recourse under the law in most circumstances when my rights are denied or taken away. I am also thankful to live in a country where, when I protest the areas where the above is not true, such as the Patriot Act and other fascist nonsense, I am not likely to be killed, tortured, or "disappeared," though I may well be painted as a "traitorous hippy."

I am thankful for my health, for even with my nagging neck pain and my migraines, my high blood pressure and my bad skin, I have movement, sight, hearing, taste, smell, and the ability to give and receive pleasure, which not all have. I am thankful for even the mediocre health care I have received in this country, aware that those in other countries would find my meager resources to be extravagant.

Finally, I am thankful for my higher power, without which I would be back in the same miserable world I slid into after high school, working low-wage jobs, high on drugs, and going from one lousy abusive relationship to another. It is because of God that I escaped that world, and because of God that I was able to find this community, and for that, I am truly, truly grateful.

There is so much more I can think of to say, but now, it's your turn: What are *YOU* thankful for?
...............................................................................................................................................................................................
This message was brought to you by the letter T (for Turkey) and the number 8 (pounds I'll gain this Thanksgiving)

2002-11-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

The Other Shoe

This was written a few days ago:
Okay - we like the "getting everything we want and everything going our
way" thing, but now we're scared of the "nothing is ever this good for us,
what's going to happen to fuck it all up?" Hmph. Maybe I just don't know
how to be happy. Well, looks like I'm gonna have to learn.

UPDATE: Sometimes, when the other shoe doesn't drop fast enough for us
cynical pessimistic types, we go rattling the rafters and force one to
drop. Yep, I emailed The Evil One. And yep, reading her response was like
a knife twisting in my gut. Though... not really. Well, it's like a memory
of a knife twisting in my gut, like seeing it on a movie screen and just
remembering how it felt when it was me. She and her
"best-friend-turned-wife" are celebrating their one-year in December, she
made sure to tell me - LIKE I WOULDN'T REMEMBER *THAT*! And she's gone
back to grad school, blah, blah, blah... I don't know. I guess that, after
the knife-memories settle down, what's left is the realization that she is
better off with this girl, that this girl seems to be really good for her,
and clearly neither of us were meant to have some sort of long-distance
thing with each other. I can't say that it wouldn't have been good under
different circumstances, but the circumstances were what they were. And
now we are both happy, with partners that we love and who love us, and
doing well. I want to be happy for her, and for the most part I am. But
that doesn't do anything to stop that phantom-knife that's twisting in my
gut... Course, to tell the truth - I feel that way about all of my exes,
ones I left and who left me - I guess I am just selfish, and want them to
pine away for me even as I move on and away... okay, character flaw
identified, I feel better, now I'm off to finish my laundry.

2002-11-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

Gushy Stuff

This was on my plan at school, and I thought it should be in my journal before I erase it:
I never understood what people meant when they said "she brings out the
best in me," but I do now. I am a better person with her in my life. It's
amazing.

And this, this is what she just emailed me, and this is as good a way as any to describe how happy and content and amazed I am at the miracle this relationship is turning out to be.

I just want to tell you how wonderful you are and how meaningful it is to
me that we share so much on many different levels.
I love talking to you, getting to know you more and more, spending time
with you, feeling you and your life, your energy and spirit, around me and
in my life.
Thank you for sharing this incredible ride with me.
I can't belive how much, how intrinsically, I want to know you. Every day
in the future is a day I can't wait for, a day I get to know you more.
I feel so full of love there are tears in my eyes. I have no words with
which to describe the intensity of this feeling but it is powerful and with
it, I overflow.
I hope you have a wonderful day.

Okay, that's enough of that for now. Non-Gushy update to come.

2002-11-13T20:03:00.000-08:00

No Comment

Victims are tied into you and stretched inch by agonizing inch, until they are either rent limb from limb or they confess. Or hey, maybe both. Not as bad as some people, someone tells you what you want to hear you'll feel better.

What torture would you be?

2002-11-12T14:27:00.000-08:00

Still Here

I've just been insanely busy, happy and sad, working and dating, trying to keep my head above water even as I continue to fall. But here's a few tidbits that I've spit out here and there... sorry, the porn poem won't be making it up though.

Haiku of Debauchery
Party irony:
Some things better left unsaid
Yet bear repeating.
***************************************

It's sort of like finding just the right piece of the puzzle, after trying
to fit a dozen other pieces that *looked* right, or *seemed* to fit, or
*should* have been the one... it's that satisfying little "click" the
piece makes when placed with it's match, the seam barely visible where
they touch and wrap around each other. That's what it's like.
***************************************************************************************
And here's one stolen from everyone's favorite poet to quote when sappily in love, Kahlil Gibran:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you
So shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
So is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
Your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
Shake them in their clinging to the earth.
- from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

2002-10-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

Oh, And One More Thing
HELL YEAH!

I got an 88 on my Latin exam! (other one was 92, so I've got an A average for exams!)

And my History professor emailed the class out of the blue with a one-day extension for our paper! WooHoo!

So life is good. In oh, so many ways.

2002-10-29T07:03:00.000-08:00

Moody

I am quite wrapped up on the inside... feeling sadness and fear and doubt and mistrust, struggling to keep those feelings separate from the tiny kernels of trust and contentment and love that I have recently found... last night was odd, we seemed distant, yet close.. I went over after babysitting, late at night, not much time to connect and to settle, and then intimacy, and then sleep, and then wake up, and then go to work, and I am left wondering what the fuck I'm doing here, and why I am allowing myself to fall for someone again, much less a young, gorgeous, charming wit who could easily dump me and move on to greener pastures in a moment's notice.

Even the sweet romantic things she says and does scare me, because what if that is just how she is, if that is just what she gives to her lover because it fulfills her image of being in love? What if these are all well-rehearsed parts that were just waiting for the right actors?

I guess I am suffering the results of having simultaneously contradictory belief systems, namely, that I don't want to be just one of many possibilities, I want to be special, to elicit unique responses and previously unknown reactions, but at the same time, I don't think there is "the one", and that there are always at any given time a number of people with whom you can have a succesful relationship, if not me, then another.

AGH. Ugh. Guh! I don't even know what I'm saying here... just trying to get some of this out... god, so much fear, so much fear, so much fear. And I want to say something all profound like that if it was right, there wouldn't be this much fear, cuz that sounds so romantic, but I don't know... maybe fear is just as romantic? Or at least more realistic? After all, how many times can a girl get ripped apart before she begins to fear the knife?

Too much... too much... too much to put it into words adequate to the intensity. Course, on the other hand, that's how I feel about my love for her as well...

Okay - so happy thoughts -
Sunday, I'm working on my paper in the library (after finally sending her on her way after lunch) and all of a sudden two people plop down on either side of me at the computers. I look, and it's her and her friend, they are all dressed up in leathers, and grinning like the cat who ate the canary. She's all adorable and cuddly and kissy, and so, so, so clearly happy to see me. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a mini-pumpkin for me, and when I get all excited (I love them, which she knew from pumpkin hunting last week) she makes me wait and then she pulls out a second, even more adorable mini-gourd/pumpkin thingie...

It was SO SWEET! And she didn't stay long - didn't want to disturb my studying, just "had to see me" and bring me a little study aid... she's a sweetie...

And Saturday night, when she stayed over, she layed on my bed reading me her favorite passages from the Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, her favorite book... last night, when I went over, she was reading On the Road (Kerouac), underlining in it for like the 80th time...

And this weekend, since I don't have anything due or anything major going on, she's ALL EXCITED and has planned out the whole time with things we've said we wanted to do... we're going up the mountain to see the sunset (with lots of blankets!) having yummy dinner, going partying with our friends, hitting a museum (I get to pick it!) and renting a movie to stay home alone on Sat. night... I'm so excited. There have been so many times that I've wanted a girlfriend who would plan dates like that... who would be excited and creative and sweet and thoughtful and sexy and smart and committed and honest and sincere and sexy (I know I already said it, but hey, it's important!) and witty and kind and sensitive and funny and quirky and kinky and good. So why the fuck am I always so very close to saying no? Why am I so eager to say no to love? Okay, I know why... but let's stop it now.

Mmmmmmm, that's better.... I feel a bit more optimistic, a bit more solid.... the simple truth is that she's given me no reason to distrust her, and in fact, she comes with references for being sincere. I can keep trying to read duplicity and deception into her eyes and actions, but that's about me, not her. And if I do it long enough, then it will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy, like these things so often do. So I need to get a grip (which is part of what this entry was about) and stay in the moment, stay in the now, and enjoy the miracle.

Thanks for listening....

2002-10-28T05:20:00.000-08:00

Unloved

You never write, you never call, what's up with you people? Yes, I am shamelessly trolling for comments here, but c'mon... this is supposed to be interactive, right? :(:(

I know, I know, I haven't had time to do my fair share of visiting the neighborhood either, so I can understand that y'all are probably just too busy to throw some love this way... I'll try to be strong. And, of course, there's also the strong possibility that my blog has been rather boring lately... hmmm, guess I'll have to think of some ways to spice that up....

Unfortunately, both of those pledges will have to wait until after Wednesday, when the killer history paper from hell is due. I'm writing on the New York Times' coverage of the Final Solution, how they knew, and covered it, but did not place the proper editorial emphasis on it, helping the American public and American government to ignore the atrocities being committed overseas. The same atrocities that they then feigned horror and surprise at once the camps were liberated and the evidence was too compelling to downplay or ignore any further. I'm also looking at the efforts of a few radical Zionists to use the NYT advertising space to change that, taking out full page ads that told the truth with all the drama it deserved, and which met with some success. Interesting paper, but there's just SO MUCH MATERIAL! And of course, I have a mild migraine all this weekend, not enough sleep, lots of work/babysitting, and there's that pesky falling in love thing taking up a lot of my mental and emotional time, as well as actual physical time.

Speaking of being horridly busy, I have to go now... Latin in 40 minutes, then my new Walking for Fitness class, then an hour break, then work from 12-4, then babysitting from 4-11, then home. Ah, yeah, gotta love it.

2002-10-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

For Posterity Purposes

I put this on my school site, and didn't want to lose it, so I'm posting it here. Just journal-thoughts, nothing y'all haven't heard a dozen times this week already...

This is a good thing, right? This falling, this fear, this risk, this
possibility? I shouldn't just chuck it all away cuz it's scary, right? I
shouldn't just walk away cuz I don't know what's going to happen, right? I
should stick it out and enjoy the miracle and not run and not hide and not
say no to love before love can say no to me, right?

Tough stuff. Like a burn victim walking into a burning building, with only
a thin stream of air to sustain him.

We'll see what happens this weekend...

On a more cheerful note - today's (yesterday) the third week anniversary of our first
date! And even more disgustingly cute, tomorrow's date (today) will mark the
fourth week of us meeting at the bar - thanks so much to L., S.,
Chief and the rest of y'all for being the best Yenta's a grrl could have.

2002-10-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hopeful, But Still Scared
Okay. I think I passed it. I'm not sure. I won't be sure until Monday, when I see the red writing on the page... But okay. I can breathe now. So I'm off to take a nappy on the couch before lunch. Then I'm back on the treadmill (well, not literally, though that'd be nicer) and off and running... but at least I get to see my sweetie tonight. Last night good talk. But I'm scared. I find that I want to talk to her too much, too often, and for too long. I don't like hanging up. I don't like saying goodbye. And while that can be quite romantic, I don't know if I am ready for the implications it brings. And - after all - it's a well known fact that as soon as one party begins to feel that way, the other party will jump up and suddenly remember that they have other plans - with other people - and other lives. Okay, okay, that's just fear talking. But still...

Course, she accidentally said the word love last night - caught it in time, something along the lines of "I'll still love you" but it came out more like "I'll still lu,er,eh,um," and then I quickly began chattering to fill the space.... funny. I'm guessing she's gonna say it tonight, though I can't be sure. Question is, if she says it, will I? I bet I will. I feel it. Though I don't know what that means, or if it even has any validity other than as an emotional (biological?) sensation. Guh. I used to trust this feeling so much, and now it's the thing I trust least.

Gotta go sleep. bye.

(funny - the title for this post was just for the latin exam, but now, I realize it fits the whole thing... )

2002-10-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

Sleep Yet?

I'm exhausted. It's midnight. I've been cramming Latin all day. All night. Tired now. And am I ready? OHGODFUCKINGNOI"MNOT

What a surprise, eh?

We'll see how badly I do... if only it didn't have that pesky perfect verb form on it, I'd be fine. I think I could handle the pronouns and all that other crap... well, except for the vocab I don't know... ugh.

After the test, I've got a 2-hour do-nothing-but-nap-and-surf block of time carved out, then it's back into zoom-zoom land with lunch, work, shower and shave, date, date, date, morning, lunch, babysitting, home, sleep, morning, airport, study, study, study, begin writing history paper, do latin homework, dinner, meeting, call BGF, sleep, and then the week starts all over again. Major history paper due on Wednesday that I have done not NEARLY enough research on. But after that, it's smooth sailing for a week or so, which will be nice.

Oh, got my first-ever bikini wax today... OUCH! But it was worth it... other than some irritation that she says will go away soon, I'm all smooth and silky (and no, I did not go anywhere NEAR a Brazilian - that's just a little too pre-pubescent for me, thank you very much)_ I like it, and it will likely become a monthly habit. After all, no shaving for 3-4 weeks in exchange for about 4 minutes of excruciating pain and $20. Sounds like a good trade for me, ya know?

Oh yes... I am simultaneously falling for the BGF while constructing an emotional escape hatch that centers on how basically fat and ugly I am and how soon she'll realize that I am WAY under her league and she'll dump me for greener (read thinner and prettier) pastures. Great. I need to get out of this mode, cuz after all, deep-seated insecurities are not a girl's best accessories.

Course, it didn't help that everyone got their photos back, and in them I am a fat cow with like 8 chins and bad teeth. I mean, REALLY! Does ANYONE photograph worse than I do? Or do I really just look that horrible and nobody has had the guts to tell me? Ugh.

Anyway, after losing weight, I seem to be creeping back up, and the four pieces of pound cake I had tonight aren't gonna help. I start two exercise classes next week (walking and weight training) so that should help.

Okay, enough free associating... gotta go to sleep, then I'm getting up early to copy over my declensions and conjugations before the test.

Wish me luck, y'all...

2002-10-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

Play Along

Okay, it's audience participation time... click here and play along - it only takes a second and it will just tickle me to no end...

Thanks!

2002-10-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the Miracle

That's what I keep telling myself... to just enjoy the miracle of this moment, to smile with the joy, to laugh with pleasure, to feel, feel, feel the sensations rushing through my body, my heart, my sould. Then, I get scared. Remind me to tell y'all about the bricklayer.

In other news - remember that Latin quiz I was so certain I'd bomb, and then I thought I might have passed it? Well [insert drumroll please] I got a 46/50, or in common terms, a 92!!!!!! Ta-Fuckin-Da! I was amazed! I even got an EXTRA point for using all the macrons correctly in the hic, haec, hoc section, since so few people did. The sentence was flawless, and it was only a few vocab and sing/plural mixups that messed me up at all. WoooHooo!

I'm at my other school today (spent the night at the BGF's, nearby) and so I've got to go write an epilogue response paper to the oral presentation I did TWO WEEKS AGO! Yes, it was due last week, and no, I haven't done it yet. But he tells us at the last minute of class that he'd like us to do this, and I just didn't have it scheduled in. So I'm gonna do it now and take it to him in class.

Much drama amongst my lunchtable group... maybe sometime instead of blogging incessantly about my new-found romance, I should tell y'all about the little Payton's Place I eat with every day. But not now, sad to say....

2002-10-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

Activist or Chicken?

So we were hoping to go down to Washington for the bit anti-war protest on Saturday, but after the last sniper shooting, I just don't feel like heading off to that area... I know that it's not exactly in D.C., but it just makes me all squicky to think about it. Instead I'll go to one of our local protests... I'm not typically a protest-type, but this one's just too important. If you are near one of the protests (main ones in D.C. and San Francisc, but hundreds all over the country) then I hope you will attend as well - public opinion is turning on this war, and numbers might make a difference as we try to send the message to our leaders that if they wage this war, they do not wage it in our name.

2002-10-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

Too Much

Too much to say, to much to write. Things are going wonderfully - and yes, it was the night, and I am glad. There are no regrets, and of course, it only deepened the already intense emotions between us. She says she has fallen. I can still only say that I am falling, that I am feeling strong feelings, and I ask her for patience as I see, day by day, that she is constant. It will likely take months, maybe more, before I can really trust this, but I am enjoying it in spite of my fears.

She is so amazing - I cannot even find the words for it all... so tender, so sweet, so gentle, and so fine - did I mention that? She is eager and sincere and intelligent and impassioned... I read the zine she produced with friends in college, adn I read about the sit-in she helped with that led to some major changes at the state school... I saw her baby pictures from Puerto Rico, and I saw the prom pictures of her in a slinky dress (great legs!) I want to get to know all about her, and I want her to know me... scary stuff, that knowing... but oh so delicious.

I'm not sure if I should even be doing this... it's only been 3 weeks, and I know that is not long at all... but then, we're both firmly planted in the now - for example, when we were talking about all the things we want to share with each other, to experience together, I mentioned how much I love Christmas tree lights, and she said "Do you want to come cut down L's tree with us?" And I started to say "Of course!" but instead I said, "well, we'll see when the time comes... but it sounds lovely" The farthest we have planned is to see STOMP the first week of November, and even that is tentative based on our schedules. We're just taking it one day at a time, and not talking about anything in the future... other than an acknowledgement that we are thinking about the future - not the specifics, just the idea *of* a future... because that is what we both feel is happening, we both feel that our future is beginning here, that we are laying down the foundation for something that may very well last... that is why we are being so careful.

I did, finally, admit my mother-urges... we were talking, and she was telling me, through our vague circle-the-subject ways, that she was falling for me, and I said "you don't even know what you're getting yourself into" She pressed for what I meant, so I told her... "I want children - soon. And I want a house, a porch, rocking chairs, blankets, grandkids, all of it" which I guess I thought would be incompatible with her vision of a future and would disqualify me from that future. She immediately said "I want those things too" and kissed me. Now, I'm not saying we've had the talk and we're all done now, but it was nice to know that the mention of family and home did not send her the other way. I guess I really thought that, being as bad-ass and cool as she is, she wouldn't be interested in those things... also, her age (she is only 26) But I guess not... at least there's something there to talk about, when the time comes. After all, as much as I hate to admit it, that is a deal-breaker for me - I could never pursue a serious relationship with someone who wasn't interested in a family... Now, who knows what her personal time-table is for that, or if I would even consider sharing that with her, but like I said... nice to know that we can have the conversation...

As for the actual act(s).... well, sorry, y'all aren't gonna get any details. Suffice it to say that it was as beautiful and magical as could be expected given the way things have gone between us so far. And the party was also fabulous, most of our friends were there and it was just wonderful being there with her. Several friends of mine came up to me throughout the night to tell me how *HOT* my girlfriend is, and several people made comments about how good we looked together and how happy... hehehehe.... that was fun. And my good friends liked her, which means alot to me. In fact, nobody has had anything bad or questioning to say yet, and that has NOT been my experience with other people I've dated up here.

So, yes. All is good in my world. And I'm still writing bad lesbian poetry, which I will post here for your amusement.
........................................................
first it's the eyes
the slow dark linger
the touch of a finger
the kiss
then the tongue darting out
to test, to taste
it is like dancing, you say
but for me it is more like swimming
the waves pounding
while the tides tug
warm and wet and wonderful
as you pull me under once again.
........................................................

2002-10-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hellooooooooo?

Okay, I had two big posts about my life, namely my Latin quiz, and no comment-love? Y'all only talk to me when I'm talking about the BGF? I see how it is...

Okay, okay then... things are going well with the BGF - perhaps too well. I'm scared, and so is she, though not as much as I am, I think. She told me last night she was falling for me, and I must admit I am for her as well. However, my fall is going to be more like one of those extreme-slow-motion falls from some silly action movie, while hers seems to be moving in real-time. However, she's smart enough to sense that if she says too much too fast, I'll bolt like a rabbit, so she's keeping it to herself for the most part.

We're still doing a lot of hand-holding, making out, talking about nothing and everything, sort of figuring out how much we do like each other and, at least on my part, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it's not the most hopeful way to approach a relationship, but I've just been too hurt in the past to take such risks blindly.

I did write some bad lesbian poetry over the whole thing, which I think I will post here for your amusement (god, I'm such a glutton for embarassment):
***********************************************************
Cliffside

I had no idea I’d climbed so high up the old oak
The sun - glinting and blinding off the blue depths below -
Kept me ignorant of the risk I’d taken
Now, looking down, I see how far I have to fall
And the leaves tremble in time with my fear.
I want nothing more than to scramble back to safety,
Lower myself to comfort so I can once more touch the ground
We were not meant to walk these clouds, to reach these heights…
Then a bird calls, small and shrill, drawing my eyes up
My hands grip the branch above, without knowing it, I am climbing…
The fall not forgotten, but dared.
*******************************************************************************

Okay, okay, enough baring of my cliche little soul... I'm off to get dressed for the pumpkin carving party - and then it's off to the BGF's place for the night... and, well... it is a full moon, ya know? Tonight may very well be the night, if her headache goes away at least.

So comment... show the love...

2002-10-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

GRRRRR

I wrote a big post about how crazy I was being today, and blogger ate it. damn. well, now the mood has passed a bit, so I suppose the post will have to stay lost in the ether...

Oh well. Suffice it to say that the time is nearing.

And I think I passed my Latin quiz.

2002-10-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Latin

Latin quiz today - fully decline either ille, illa, illud; hic, haec, hoc; or ei, ea, id. I wrote them all out about 10 times each and began seeing the patterns (neuter nom. and acc. are always the same, dative is always the same all the way across, the neuter plural nom. is always the masc. sing. nom., etc) but I don't know if patterns are enough. Of course, that's just one lovely part... we also have to match solus, -a, -um with a noun of unspecified gender, number and case, showing off our full declensionizing of the irregular ius adjectives as well. Then we get to translate verb forms, which will suck cuz my vocab is quite shaky, along with my fourth conjugation, and then there's the lovely sentence to translate at the bottom of the page.

Pray for me, 'kay? I studied lots last night, but it was definitely too little, too late. I did, however, get some good research done for my paper, which is on the NYT's coverage - and lack thereof - of the Holocaust. Of course, that's a HUGE topic, with much already written, so I think I'm going to use the angle of Peter Bergson, a Jewish activist who was so fed up by the lack of national press that he took out full page ads in the papers he criticized, publicizing the plight of the Jews and others in Nazi hands... I am fascinated by the full-page policital and ideological ads in the NYT, and this is a way to bring that side in while getting a handle on my paper.

For my contemporary issues at the NYT paper, which is due at the end of the semester, I'm thinking of writing about the role of the NYT in journalistic career aspirations. It used to be the pinnacle, though there are those who jumped ship once they reached it, but what is it now? I know, personally, at least one reporter who is salivating for a job there, but is it still considered the primary brass ring in journalism circles? Course, it may be impossible to quantify for this paper, so I don't know... I might also cover the paper's role in the recent same-sex committment announcement thingie...

Okay, enough stalling... I gotta go get dressed and cram a few more vocab terms into my head now.

Bye!

Oh yeah - date with the BGF tonight - seafood, dancing, lots of smooching, but no sleepover I don't think... got homework in the morning before pumpkin picking tomorrow afternoon and then the pumpkin carving party tomorrow night. fun, eh? I always dreamed of this life...

2002-10-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

Warm Now

Cold feet all talked out, wonderful night of talking and cuddling and FINALLY watching those two ER tapes, and just generally spending one of the most wonderful nights of my life. It's so peaceful with her, but yet we're still so nervous around each other. And we still haven't, and though we talk a big game about how much we want to, we both want it to be right, with no early morning work/school pressures the next day, no late night carousing with the gang, no monthly visitors, and more importantly, no overriding fears... so we're waiting... and it's good... In fact, I never knew NOT having sex could be this much fun!

Well, it's very late and I still have to type up my Latin translation so I'm gonna go. Just wanted to coo for a bit. Thanks for all the support and good wishes in the comments and emails, by the way - it's nice to know I'm not putting everyone into diabetic shock with all the sugar comin' outta my blog lately. And for those of you who are gagging, don't worry, this can't last forever, and my bitchy self will return soon, I'm sure.

Oh - one quick thing - I've put myself on a more strict homework schedule, with not seeing the BGF if I don't do my work during the day... after all, the rush is fun, but I'm here to do a job, and that has to come first. She's totally supportive of it, and will understand if I have to cancel for homework reasons. She's such an incredible sweetie... And the way she holds me, the way I fit in the crook of her arm while we watch ER, well.... it's all a girl could hope for.

Okay, enough, enough, I know......

2002-10-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

Scared Now

She's got the tiniest bit of chill around those cute little feet of hers, so we're going to talk more tomorrow night. She says she doesn't want to change what we talked about last night, but I don't know... I'm scared. But I talked a good game and by tomorrow, I might just be strong enough to mean it. All that stuff about "I don't want to move faster than either of us is comfortable, and if that means we need to step back and undo that conversation, then that's what we will do." Never mind that I spent the whole day telling everyone with even a passing knowledge of the situation that she asked me to be her girlfriend, with a stupid smile on my face all day. Not that that means anything, cuz really, I don't want to screw this up, and if a label is gonna screw it up, then screw the label! For now, at least. So, here's our first "situation" and I get to see how we each handle it... In a weird way, I'm excited... And we did have an awfully good conversation about it so far, cut short by a dying battery in the cordless, and I do think that it's just a reaction against letting down our defenses, it's only natural for them to sorta come slamming back up. Anyway - more to come tomorrow, after our date...

By the way, I'm sick. I'm on homeopathic meds and Comtrex - the former to cure the cause, the latter to stifle the symptoms. I was gonna go to sleep, but now I'm sort unsettled, so I think I'll read for class.

2002-10-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

Name Change

Well, as of about midnight last night, the LI is no longer the LI, it's the GF, because, yep, she asked me to be her girlfriend.... ::::::::::insert permagrin here:::::::::::::: I, of course, said yes, and then asked "Um, what does that mean to you?" and she was blushing so hard and so stammery that she could only turn it back on me, so I said "well, I suppose for one thing it means there's nobody else, it's exclusive..." to which she said a fast and strong "GOOD!" and then we snuggled all happy-like. :::::::::sigh::::::::: Like I told her, I sure didn't expect to have a girlfriend this year, or really any year.... This was all while we were driving home, and at one point she blurted out "My face hurts from smiling so much!" which I thought was just adorable.

Let's see... it's early, so I am not in a very coherent literary mode, but I want to put down some of what happened yesterday... so forgive the jumbling....

Sunday was great - she was late, very late, so I called and was like "in the future, you should call and let me know you're running late," and she was appropriately apologetic without being stupid or overdramatic, and then when she got here she was a) sincerely sorry and b) dead sexy! So, of course, all was forgiven with a kiss... well, a few kisses.... We hung out in my room (read: made out in between alternating small talk and deep convo) and then went to dinner at the dorm with my friends... she was so shy, she barely said anything, but she was charming and very decent about the whole eating in a dorm thing. We could have gone out, but I had to be realistic about not spending so much money, and after all, dinner is free for me. I get a few guest meals each semester, so I used one of those for her. Anyway, we were all supposed to go dancing afterwards, but the club was closed, so everyone decided to go bowling, which she hates, but which she agreed to go and watch, just as long as she could be with me. So we went, late of course (we just have trouble staying on task) and it was a blast - Disco bowling, with cheesy dance music and some of the teenagers were even in 70s costumes... we were right next to some cute girls from another school, so it was entertaining to say the least. the then-LI was, of course, all over me, much to the amusement and feigned disgust of our friends. I played one game (got a 75, damn I suck) and then we got outta there... went to her place, where we became all nervous again, knowing that we were going to sleep together (just sleep!) for the first time. Of course, the fact that I was EXHAUSTED helped, so after some talk, cuddling, testing our willpower and then more cuddling, I fell fast asleep. The next morning we woke up and went to our friends, then went for a day of eating, riding, eating, shopping, riding and eating. It was great - there were many long walks with the LI, many adorable comments and sweet glances and lingering kisses and gentle touches and just a perfect, perfect day... everyone else was so sweet about it too... only a small amount of teasing but mostly lots of "aaaahhhhhs" and little winks and thumbs-ups from everyone. They're mostly her friends, people who've known her for a long time, and they seem really happy to see her so happy...

Gosh - there's just too much to write... too many things to say... but I want to remember it all, I want to record it all... I guess I just can't, and that will just have to be okay. Maybe later tonight I'll be able to put some of it down...

I'm off to the airport (yes, again... disgusting, ain't it?)

Then it's Latin, Latin, Latin, wtih perhaps some reading in between.... busy busy day, no GF, no nothing but airport runs and studying... yeehaw.

2002-10-13T00:38:00.000-07:00

Amazing

It's amazing how life can turn on a dime and take you somewhere completely unexpected. Less than three weeks ago, I was starting down a path that I quickly realized was not for me. The less said about that, the better, but suffice it to say that the aftershocks of my stepping off that path completely validated my concerns. So there I was, one more careful sidestep under my belt and wondering if there would ever be someone who didn't make me have to duck and cover, someone who would bring happiness, not drama, to my life. Not really knowing the answer, but assuming the worst, I went on with my life expecting nothing. Then, just three days later, I got a call from the LI, asking me out. And, well, the rest has been blogged about rather extensively, so I'll try to restrain myself. But I just find myself amazed at how things turn out, how following my gut is always better than following someone else's lead, and how the Universe's timing is so much better than I give it credit for.

Of course, when I turned back from the first path, I had no way of knowing that someone so wonderful would come into my life, in fact, I chastised myself for giving up what seemed like it may have been my only opportunity for romance this year. I was perfectly willing - after all, how red do the flags have to be, ya know? But it was a sobering thought, one that I've had several times over the past year as I've met, considered, and ultimately rejected the various women who have wanted to date me (or whatever the f**k it was they wanted )

Maybe it was that willingness to be alone, that willingness to be single rather than be with the wrong one, that brought this amazing woman into my life. I don't know, but I rather think so. And while I have no idea if this woman will stay, I do know that this has the potential to be one of the big ones... and I am grateful - to the Universe for bringing us together, and to me for doing the work of healing and changing that make this possible.

So here I am, not where I was "supposed" to be this weekend, but right where I want to be... unbelievably happy and hopeful, with a butch who brings to the table everything I could hope for, and more, and who seems to feel the same way about me. Does it get any better than this?

Tonight I'm working on cleaning my room, in preparation for her seeing it tomorrow for the first time. My room is/was quite a mess, and she's rather a tidy butch, so I'm trying to meet her somewhere in the middle so she doesn't have an allergic reaction her first visit. In the process, I'm finally unpacking some of the stuff that's been in bags/boxes since I moved back in late August. I've also done a bit more decorating, so it looks pretty decent, at least as good as it'll get till I get a bed frame and get the bed up off the floor.

Tomorrow I'm taking a girl to the airport, taking a friend to work, and then having brunch with my friends. Then a quick shower and shave and then the LI comes to pick me up for a day-date... we're talking about going to the movies (Sweet Home Alabama is my choice) and/or the mall, depending on my money situation (after all, I do still NEED some sexy brown boots) Then it's back here to eat dinner in the dorm (woohoo), FINALLY watch those ER tapes, then I pack a bag for the night (I'm spending the night at her place, as discussed below I believe) and then we get ready for a night at the club with the 18+ crowd (no school on Monday, so the study-obsessed kids are finally going to go out and play)

I'm looking forward to all of it, especially the general hanging out with her where I know we'll be able to get to know each other better, tell each other our stories, and just laugh and have fun (oh yeah, and smooch alot) But the part I'm most excited about is when, at the end of the evening, we lay down in her bed to hold each other and lay together and learn how our bodies fit together in sleep... then waking up the next morning... I want to see how that feels... test it, taste it, know it.... and then we meet the gang for breakfast and spend the day riding through the fall foliage with the best group of women I've ever known.

God I love this life!

2002-10-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

Good Morning...

There's just something so decadent about saying Good Morning when it's almost 4 p.m., but hey, I just woke up an hour ago! God, I love October Break! Actually, though, I was catching up on sleep because I didn't make it home till 3 a.m. and then had to take a girl to the airport at 7:20 a.m., so you can imagine I was a wee bit tired

(oops, had a series of phone calls, including one from the LI, and am just now returning to the computer... 2.5 hours later... lol...)

So, where was I? Let's see... last night was wonderful, everyone went out for Karaoke, which was entertaining to say the least. A bunch of my friends went, along with the biker chicks and, of course, the LI, so it was pretty great. Maybe about 20 women basically taking over one end of the bar, while frumpy hets filled the rest.

I, of course, was fairly focused on my date, as she was on me. In fact, we took a great deal of good-natured ribbing from the others as we stared at, cuddled with and talked to each other for most of the evening. There were plenty of moments that we separated and socialized, but always with an awareness, a sense of each other's eyes on us... I would be laughing and dancing with the girls, then look up and see her watching me, that slight smirk tugging one side of her lips up as she calmly returned my glance. Of course, it wasn't always so calm... when she first arrived we were so nervous - well, I was very nervous, she seemed a bit nervous... but then later, she asked me how I could be so calm, so I guess I pulled it off better than I thought.

We had another wonderful talk... I went over to talk to her and she said she was feeling moody... well, it wasn't a negative moody, I could just tell she was having a lot of emotions, so we talked a bit... she was so sweet, kept apologizing for being moody, but she wasn't at all. I told her that she didn't have to apologize for having feelings, or for feeling serious... we talked, and basically she said she was just afraid, because her feelings for me are so big, and that she doesn't want to say too much too fast, etc. Same stuff I've written here and thought for the past week. Of course, it wasn't all that cut and dry, cuz the words were not coming as fast as the feelings, and much was said without saying much...

God, I realize how incredibly disgusting all that is to hear - but I can't help it. This is deep. I don't know how deep, but it's certainly no little fling... I feel connected, natural, real with her. And she seems to feel the same way about me.

Now - enough gushing. I have to clean my room, take a shower, get dinner (haven't eaten all day) and study my Latin. I don't know in what order all that will be done... I'm thinking of taking a quick shower, doing a little tidying up while waiting for my hair to dry, then off to dinner and some studying at the coffeehouse. That sounds like an excellent way to spend a Saturday evening...

Tomorrow is lunch with the LI, then shopping and maybe a movie (wait, can I afford all that?) and then going out with the gang for 18+ night at the club... Then, comes our first night. Yep, we've decided to spend the night together - we just want to feel that, to get to fall asleep together and wake together and hold each other and all that. But we're still waiting for the other stuff - and the way we know that we'll resist temptation tomorrow night is that mother nature has stepped in to make it not an option. Not that that usually stops me, but not for the first time, ya know? So we'll get to be together, but not step over that line yet, so it's all good. Not that it won't be absolute TORTURE, but then, that's fun, right?!?!

Okay, gotta go... I'll probably gush more later....

2002-10-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

And in Other News

Worked my ass off today schlepping people to the airport, decided to drop my math class and my PE class (getting another PE class instead) and ran an important errand for my job. Whew. No wonder I'm tired. Oh yeah, I also shopped fruitlessly for a sexy pair of brown going-out boots... I should have just gone to DSW... Which reminds me... when I lived in Dallas, I always thought that stood for Dallas Shoe Warehouse, but of coruse, since they're up here, I realized it's actually Discount Shoe Warehouse. I never realized how Dallas-centric I was till I left....

Speaking of Dallas, I miss y'all... two and a half months and I get to visit!

And who all is excited about the new Adam Sandler movie, Punch-Drunk Love? It looks really, really good, and quite the departure for him. Course, I watched The Wedding Singer again for like the 87th time this week, and I will always hold that up as his best film... (p.s. - check out the site, it's cool...)

Now, I'm really off to bed.... I promise....

2002-10-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Outta the Blue

Well, they say it finds you when you least expect it, when you're no longer looking for it, hell, when you've given it up for dead. And, well, it's starting to look like they might be right.

No, we're not declaring our undying love or anything, but there's a tension, a pull, a shared sense of possibility, that has us both quaking in our oh so cute shoes....

We're going out with the gang tomorrow night, it's the first time we'll be around everyone as an item, rather than just an item-to-be, which should be interesting. I wonder what will change, what will stay the same? Will we become all nervous again, like we were last week, or will we touch and kiss like we did today? Stuff like this is just fascinating...

We've had some great talks, sometimes saying lots, sometimes saying almost nothing but still sharing so much... lots of sighs, half-confessed fears and hopes, and slightly muted confessions of emotion, all wrapped up in the getting to know you part of dating - what's your favorite color? What kind of music do you like to listen to? Where did you get that scar?

We also talked about not seeing quite so much of each other next week, of making sure we have some balance. After all, the first week or two are understandably a rush, but neither of us want to let our lives suffer - my school, her work, our friends, our own personal lives, hell, our laundry. So, we're going to try to be a bit more reasonable after this weekend...

Course, we had that talk after she showed up at the coffeehouse last night... I came home from the library to a message saying "call me at X" and she was like "I just have got to see you" and I knew she was going out riding so I asked where she was, and she said "next door", so I squealed and threw my clothes on and went to see her... she had brought me a rose, which smells heavenly even now, and we talked for three hours outside in the chill air... it was wonderful...

Okay - I'm sure y'all are COMPLETELY sick of hearing about this... but guess what? I'm not gonna stop! After all, this is the best my heart has felt in a year, and I am going to wring every drop I can from the sensation... especially since I don't trust for one second that it will last. I do believe, however, that she won't purposefully screw me over - after all, I've got 5 years of references on her, and she is apparantly a good and decent person, not prone to malicious or deceitful acts.

Okay, that's it for now... gotta go get my beauty sleep....

2002-10-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Wow

Just got back home from the ER date, which included no ER watching at all... we've postponed that for a double-dose of ER on Thursday, opting instead to spend tonight "getting to know each other." yay me. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and just generally hung out and made out and talked and kissed and giggled and stuff. God, it was great. I didn't know it could be like this again...

Had a few semi-serious talks about safe sex, are we exclusive or not, are we going to wait and how long, etc... we agreed on everything, and, in fact, were already on the same page before the subjects came up. We also did our share of gushy staring and sweet-talk, which would have made anyone else gag if they'd heard.

She keeps saying she can't believe I'm actually interested in her, and I keep thinking the same thing about her... I feel very lucky, and I just hope the luck holds for a little while longer...

In other news, well, sort of... I had lunch with no-kissy and told her about the new L.I. (that's love interest, as everyone insists on referring to her as) and it went fairly well. In fact, she brought it up, asking me suddenly "so, who's the new love interest?" which threw me for a bit of a loop, I might add... turns out she'd read a comment I'd left online, and perhaps also been the recipient of some gossip from my lunch table... She professed to be okay with it, though she did say "of course, if we were dating, I wouldn't be okay with it" which I thougth was an odd comment. But she just said "let her know that if she hurts you I'll kick her ass" and then she dropped it. Of course, she could never kick L.I.'s ass or any other body part, but the sentiment was quite sweet, if not a wee bit inappropriately possessive (a trait I seem to bring out in people, unfortunately)

My oral presentation went well in class today, though we had about two days worth of material to cover in 1.5 hours... but the teacher was impressed and the class seemed to get something out of it. We watched the first 20 minutes of an AMAZING documentary on the story of Kitty Hart, who survived Auschwitz and went back with her son and camera crews in 1978 to tell her story. Horrifying in its simplicity and its undramatic approach, it brought me and several other girls to tears. Amazing stuff.

Let's see, what else is going on? I have to study Latin (I'm like a broken record with that, eh?) and then go to bed... tomorrow night is the anti-racism group and then West Wing and room cleaning... Thursday I schlepp people to the airport every minute I'm not in class, and then LI comes over for some ER and cuddle-time...

Friday night looks fun - the whole gang is going out for karaoke (not my choice, but entertaining in large groups) and then dancing... it's where we met two weeks ago, but this time we'll be together. I'm very excited, it's been a long time since I went somewhere *with* someone...

That's all, I suppose... thanks for the comments below, keep them up, it's nice to know my gushiness isn't driving everyone away!

2002-10-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

Polish Porn?

Well, how pleasing to know that out of the many odd and varied ways that readers come to my site, there's always "gorilla fucking woman clip" on a Polish search engine to trump them all!

Sheesh!

In other news, go check out this new site and congratulate Chapin on her new digs!

And, finally, for those of you who are just dying to know how it goes with the new girl - well, all I have to say about that is ::::::::: sigh ::::::::: We had a fabulous conversation last night, and found that we're both approaching this thing with the same mindset, both with the same concerns, and both with the same hopes. And, she said, she was not looking for this either, which from what our friends have said, is entirely true. She's incredibly sweet and wonderful and smart and caring, and she volunteers with kids and gets so excited about politics that she starts tripping over her words, and she likes to take impromptu trips, and she doesn't seem to be fazed by the disparity between her hot self and my sorta dowdy self, and she's shy and nervous and just adorable.

Okay. I admit it. I'm smitten. DAMN. Still though, I have to qualify that by saying that we'll see how far it goes... and how long... after all, just cuz I haven't seen the red flags doesn't mean they aren't there... or that she won't see mine and go running... but for now, just in this moment, well, it's heavenly. I feel warm and tingly all over, and the butterflies in my chest and belly will only get worse as the day goes on, until I get to see her tonight... Yep, it's our ER date tonight... making up the show we missed last week for our first date. So yeah, this is moving a bit fast... though sort of not... she actually said that she wants to take it slow (yes folks, we're talking 'bout sex now) because, even though she already completely wants that, she wants to do it right, and take it slow, so we can remember every step and not have it all blur into nothingness.... I was already on that page, but unsure when and how to bring it up, and there she goes, all concerned about setting a good foundation and not rushing things....

::::::::::: sigh ::::::::::::

I wasn't looking for this. But God, I'm glad it found me. Honestly, I thought I'd never feel this way again... now I know I can, and even if it doesn't work out with her, I get it now - I get it that this capacity will never be completely killed off, and that there will always be someone out there who can appreciate what I have to offer and have equally attractive aspects of themself, and I don't have to settle at all. I just don't have to, and I am glad I knew that this year so that I was open to this miracle.....

Okay, enough gushing (though, faithful readers might as well get used to it, cuz it's only gonna get worse) I've got to jump into the shower and then do some work for school (yeah, that... lol) Hmmmm, to shave or not to shave (girls, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout!)

2002-10-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

Not Enough Time

There's just not enough time for everything - study, study, study, this organization, that friend, the girl, more study, old friend, new friend, laundry, sleep, study, party, friends, motorcycles, kissing, study, stupid drama shit, music, ER, study, mom's birthday, make money, study, sleep, eat, test, drink, write, girl, friends, blog, paper, study, sleep, girl.

ARGH! Oh, wait, this is what it's supposed to be like. Cool. It's just getting to me right now, possibly because I'm operating on about 10 hours of sleep in the past three days or so...

2002-10-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

Happy, Happy

Joy, Joy. First kiss. Parking lot. Much shyness. Much fumbling. Much sweetness and much joy. Today, ride with 7 of the hottest biker babes around, through the gorgeous Massachusetts countryside, on six sexy bikes... perfect weather, perfect company, and second, third and fourth kisses. Then tonight, well, tonight... let's just say kisses 5-15. LOL.

I could really like this one. A biker badboi who rants over sushi about how she doesn't know if her two letters and phone calls to Senator K. will have any effect; a class clown who resonates to rocks and water and who writes poetry while cradling a girl's head on her shoulder; a shy girl who knows when to speak her mind, but who spends most of her time listening - not just to the voices of her friends, but to strangers, to the chirps of birds, to the rushing of the falls...

Oh yeah, I could like this one. And I even have a built-in security system if she even thinks of screwing me over, as L. pointed out today, there's a line of people to kick her ass if she knowingly hurts me... LOL! Not that I think she would - but then, I just don't trust anyone, not right at first... if anything, I hope that doesn't push her away.

By the way - how did I get another cute young little thing chasing after me? Damn.... must be some good Karma I'm finally reaping, cuz this girl is F - I - N - E !!! Even A., who has NEVER agreed with my taste, thinks she's attractive! I'm talking smooth clear soft skin - everywhere - dark hair and mischieveous eyes, and big strong muscles... course, she's as vain as you'd expect, being that cute... but then she goes and says I'm gorgeous, which honestly, I know I'm not. But then, beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Damn, I was just gonna come on and say Happy Happy Joy Joy, but I guess I just had too much to share... It's just been so long since I've felt this... I was talking to my friend (ex from years ago) the other day and she said "It's good to see you sparkly again" and I realized she was right - this is the first time since the Evil One that I've really felt that tingle, that sparkle and promise, rather than just a wary dread wrapped up in a thin coating of interest. God I'm so glad to have this feeling, even if nothing else comes of it... it is just a blessing to have the feeling once again.

p.s. To my recent spate of letter-writers, thanks! Y'all have been bright spots in my days lately, and I appreciate it!

2002-10-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

A Date?!?

(warning: this post is unusually disjointed, and involves personal stuff that not everyone will want to read. Just sayin')

Just got back from our first date... I like how that sounds, first, like there might be a second, or even a third... Course, I already know there's going to be a second, of sorts, because I'm going riding with the gang on Sunday, invited by her. Oh, let me back up... I haven't blogged about this yet, I was sort of waiting to see if there was actually anything to blog about. Well, there is... at least, there might be...

She called on Tuesday - we'd met last week, then again when I went out with friends over the weekend. I didn't think much of it beyond noticing that she was cute and certainly my type, but at the time I was involved in a potential possibility sort of thing, so I just wasn't "looking," so to speak. However, she apparently was, because she got my number from our mutual friend on Sunday, and called me on Tuesday, by which time the potential possibility had passed, leaving me suddenly available for the unexpected invitation to go riding on Sunday. We chatted a bit, and then she asked if I might want to get together before then, for drinks or somesuch, and I said yes. Well, that was a LONG two days... but worth the wait, I think. I mean, nothing happened, but then, I didn't want anything to happen, not yet, not right off the bat. However, we had a wonderful evening talking about everything, swapping stories of imaginary childhood friends, laughing at scary plaid pants and tossing out the occasional innuendo or suggestive remark - nothing too much at all, just enough to let me know that we were both enjoying ourselves... no kiss, but there was some lingering standing near each other in a shop's doorway, that might have turned into a kiss had some young hoodlums not come outside to smoke right next door...

The ending was anticlimactic - it was late and she dropped me off at my door, no walking from the parking lot or hugging at the door or anything, just a grin and a "see you Sunday, thanks again for a great time," sort of thing... but she likes me. And you know what? I could really like this one. She's real. She's got a job, a car, a motorcycle and an apartment. And she's got a soul. And melting chocolate eyes.... Uhoh.... I could be in trouble.

Course, I'm gonna really be in trouble if I don't go do my math homework (yes, it's 12:30 a.m. and I've got to do homework with two Midori sours in me...) I'm also missing Latin (I got permission from my teacher) to finish my math project, which is due at 4 p.m. tomorrow, but since I go to work at 1:30, it's really due at 1 for me.

:::::::::: humming a happy song ::::::::::::

You know, since she called I've said that just having the feeling of a cute butch calling me to ask me out was enough, it was enough just to feel that feeling. And then, going out, it was just enough, just enough to be out on a date with a cute, sweet butch who had style, manners and class - along with the badboi edge I crave. But now, now that I've had a taste of her... now I want more... Yes, it was great to have a lovely first date, to have had that experience, but now - now I'd like more please.

2002-10-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

Where's My Scooby Snack?

Or at least a gold star.... I got a 92/100 on my Latin Exam. I am officially a fucking genius. Well, not really, it just turns out that his exams are awfully easy. After all, more than half the class made As, which in my book lessens the value somewhat of my own A. Not that I'm gonna quibble with the man, especially since my A is really more of an A-, which, in case of a curve, could easily slide down to a B+. So, I'll take my easy A, thank you very much!

In other news, I got high marks on both reaction papers turned into Sociology, while some got revision requests, so that felt sort of good. Oh, I know what you're thinking - what an ugly way to look at it, her poor self-esteem is wrapped up not only in what grades she gets, but in how they compare to the grades of others. Well, I didn' t make this educational system, I just have to live in it. And I'm really careful not to gloat visibly when I see the grades of others.

Let's see, what else is new? Just argued with Financial Aid over my damn money, which they don't think I need until next week at best, while I sort of would like it NOW! And they're giving me, oh, about $1,000 less than last year, because of this damn on-campus job, which metes out my award in tiny McNugget pieces instead of giving me the whole chicken. Damn the Man.

The night is quite busy, what with dinner, voter registration, working on spreadsheet project with J. and then home to do Latin homework. WooHoo, she said sarcastically. But tomorrow promises to be good, and tomorrow evening, well, let's just say that tomorrow evening holds much, much, much potential, unexpectedly. Yay me.

Okay, gotta go put in a load of laundry. Damn, I'm tired of being tired. I'm looking forward to break so I can catch up on my sleep....

2002-10-02T05:28:00.000-07:00

Uh-Oh

Well, turns out one of my faithful few readers is a teacher, and I've been spanked, so to speak, for ditching class on Monday. Damn, busted! LOL.... But just let me take this moment to assure you that I am not a habitual skipper (though when the blizzards hit, we may have to revise that) and I am, for the most part, quite the obedient schoolgirl. (hey - YOU! - outta the gutter, I wasn't talking kinky!)

I am, however, skipping the first meeting of one of the groups I wanted to join, because I had the most surprising and interesting offer come up last night, one that I just cannot miss. Let's just say that many outfits will be tried on before-hand, and much attention will be paid to the hair. Woo-Hoo!

Oh - and teacher lady - don't worry: All of our blogs are dead boring to us, it's only in the twisted imaginations of our readers that they become interesting... after all, we already know the stuff we're writing about! Just write what's in your heart, on your mind, in your life - hell, under your skin even, and the readers will come.

Off to Latin, where hopefully we'll be getting back our Exams! Wish me luck!

2002-10-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

m-n-m mmmmmm?!?

So I woke up in the middle of a full-fledged romance/sex dream with the ODDEST person I would ever have imagined getting it on with in dreamland. Yes, I am speaking of none other than Eminem/Marshall Mathers/The Real Slim Shady. It was sooooooo bizarre! I came to somewhere around the time that we were at some relatives of his, getting a new birdfeeder for my birds, which I had apparently not been feeding correctly... much familial dialogue, and then I felt his arm snake around my waist, and in my dreammind I was all happy because we had been seeing each other for awhile but not with any touchy-feely, like we were getting used to each other and checking out the possibilities. Anyway, there goes his arm and it feels all good, and then he's kissing my neck from behind me while his arms are encircling my waist - well, a gorilla could do that and it would feel good, so yeah, I melted - IN THE DREAM, FOLKS! - and then I think we told each other we loved each other, and then we were running and skipping and making out across a field that passed in front of a high school on the way back to the MTV house (like a guest house we were doing a photo shoot at) and the kids saw him dancing like a silly little boy, recognized him, and began streaming out of the school to get near the celebrity. We giggled (yes, in my dream, m-n-m giggles) and ran, him pulling me by the hand, up to the house. It was there that I started to be too awake to stay out of the dream, so when dream-me got separated from him in the crowd, awake-me decided that wasn't what would have happened and then I started making up secret passages for us to escape through while I call MTV security on my heretofore unnoticed cell phone.

LOL! What a bizarre, disturbing dream! That's what I get for listening to MTV when I drift off to sleep....

In other news - I had an incredibly busy day yesterday, and it was great! I helped a friend move and staffed a voter registration drive in addition to class, Latin exam, work and other goodies. I did, however, have my first skip of the year - I just couldn't face another day of my most-unorganized math class, so instead I ditched class with L so we could giggle about women and plan the ultimate ride this weekend. More about that, later, I'm sure.

I'm off to the showers soon, then to our sister school for my other class - woohoo!

2002-09-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

Superabo!

That means I Overcame! Which, with my limited vocab, is about as close to I FUCKING ROCKED THAT LATIN EXAM! as I can come. And we'll just ignore the fact that it's actually in imperfect tense, which implies an ongoing/incomplete action, when it should be a plain ole past tense. But we haven't done those, so that's just as good as it gets for now.

Of course, the point is - I think I just aced my first Latin Exam! Woo-Fucking-Hoo!!!!!!!!! I finally buckled down and studied for it last night, and after about the first hour, something just sort of clicked and I started seeing all the connections between the words and the declensions and stuff. YAY ME! It was a really amazing feeling, like I was just ON and I GOT it! It was like I feel in my other classes, but I had yet to feel in Latin.

Of course, the semester marches on and we're already on a new chapter that has me puzzled, but at least my intensive studying (5 hours straight) caught me up with the material already covered. I can't believe I'm doing so well in Latin - let's all just pray I can keep it up, right?

On other news - well, hell, right now there is no other news. I'm just gonna ride this wave of elation all the way to my doctor appointment (gotta get stuck, yuck) and then on to math, where I'm sure I'll come crashing down like a junky who needs a fix. Oh well, such is the life of the A-obsessed college student.

See ya!

2002-09-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Ouch
Yep, it's headache time again... wheeeeee.

The hangover from Friday night (WOOHOO) teamed up with the allergies from the Big E (Think Texas State Fair with seafood) and then they went for a midnight run with the weather changes, joined by the dry heat from my radiator, and now I've got one doozy of a migraine coming on. Took an Anaprox before I even got out of bed this morning, tried to sleep it off a bit, have drunk copious amounts of water, and still it's there, hovering, teasing, laughing at me...

But I cannot afford to let myself be side-tracked by the pain, no, I must forge ahead and muster up all my mental and physical strength for the journey ahead - studying for my first Latin exam! ::::::cue dramatic music here:::::::

Yep, my day will be consumed with first and second declension nouns and adjectives (male, female and neuter) along with the first and second verb conjugations, a plethora of vocabulary and the damn sum, possum, potsum crap. Oh yeah, also the future and past imperfect tenses (which I sorta like cuz the was/will trick makes them sorta easy.)

Oh yeah, it's gonna be fun. I just don't think it's fair that my one friend who has actually survived, nay, excelled at Latin, Ms. Stump the Roman herself, lives 1800-freakin'-miles away from me.

Well, on that cheerful note, I'm off to breakfast, in the hopes that some protein and soda might combine forces to defeat the evil headache and make the world safe for Latin once again.

2002-09-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Oh Yeah Baby!

I finally got a chance to surf the ring today, and came across this lovely quiz. This is the happiest I've ever been about a quiz result, since, after all, I did dress up as her for at least two halloweens as a child, and even now have a picture of her on my door! Yay Wonder Woman! Thanks to Tuesday's Child for the link....

I'm Diana, which ambiguous dyke are you? Quiz by Turi.

2002-09-22T23:51:00.000-07:00

And Then

And then I made the mistake of clicking on this "newly updated blog" that was some sort of White Pride bullshit, and I may well seethe into the morning rather than sleep. It's mostly empty for now, only one link works and that only has a paragraph. But clearly, it's only the beginning. I know there's tons of this stuff out there, but god. To come across it like this. Ugh. And I just finished reading "Extraordinary Evil, Ordinary People," which deals with the Holocaust in some rather graphic terms. Damn.

2002-09-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

WHY?

Why am I up? It's an ungodly 2:36 a.m. (actually, it's a pretty godly time, but not to be awake!) and I'm sitting at my computer sending random comments to strange email lists, after finally completing three homework tasks. I translated the exciting story of Io from Latin to English, tripping up on only one word (stulta - foolish, but could it also be fooled? It makes more sense as fooled. Oh well)

I fixed a reaction paper and fought with Yahoo to send the damn thing - tomorrow I get to write another one (yeah, the first one was a little late... but he doesn't care. Yeehaw.) And I got an email listing me as a contact person for the skillshare for the Feminist Collective that I seem to have joined. First meeting was tonight. A bunch of eager little first-years and a handful of upperclasswomen with three bags of chocolate. Yummy. And the chocolate was good too. lol. Anyway, I'm NOT going to take on too much this year, but they did have this great idea of a skill share (one teaches how to knit, another teaches how to make paper, whatever. all crafty and shit.) and I thought it would be a nifty thing to open up to the community at large, as sort of a publicity/membership drive sort of thingamajiggie... they liked the interpretation apparently, cuz I just got an email listing me as a contact person for it. HAHA. See if I ever open my mouth up in there again. Well, okay, I probably will. I'm just a loudmouthed, opinionated bitch like that. Oh well. But I like this group - it's not overly ambitious, and the leadership is WAY relaxed. It's all "do what you wanna do, be what you wanna be" which I enjoy.

By the way - 9 months is an INCREDIBLY long time. Just sayin'.

And I miss her. It kills me, but I do. Though, in fact, I think this is one of those days that I miss them all. I miss having someone to love, someone to carry close in my heart, someone that's mine. It's a longing... partly because I've had a taste - just a taste, like a drop of ice cream instead of a whole cone - of that connection. Like giving a rum cake to an alcoholic. The longing came strong today, not overpowering, but present - deeply present. It's all good though, lets me know I can still feel in those parts of my heart. Other parts are still unnacounted for... but there is hope, perhaps. So yeah, I miss her, but only in that I miss the idea of a "her", the feeling of a "her." It's just been "me" for awhile now, a fact that is basically just fine, but on days like this, with the full moon tugging at me, well... it just brings on the longing.

Hmmm, maybe now that I've purged that I can go get some sleep.... Amazing how this blog helps me put words to thoughts and feelings I can barely identify in other arenas (like phone calls with good friends...)

2002-09-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the Uberfrau

Well, I loved the anagram idea, so here's a few I found ( I would say I came up with them, but y'all would know I was lying and that I used one of many online anagram generators, in this case, this one)

Artemis Out Loud
A Multitude Or So
To a Rum Solitude
I Must Lead Or Out
I'm a Delores Tutu
I Detour To a Slum

Haikus of the News
A Sweetish Funk Ho
Whoa, Seek Fun Shit
Fiesta! Whose Hunk?
He Won't Fake Sushi

Pulp Friction
Prolific Punt
Clip If Torn Up
Clip If Pun Rot
Tropic Fun Lip
Curl Of Nip Tip
Cult of Rippin'

More to come later, I'm off to shop for trashy lingerie.....

2002-09-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

There She Is....

Miss America! Yes, while my fellow bloggers are fixated on Survivor and the like, I am watching the original reality TV show, the Miss America competition, with a mix of reactions that range from feminist outrage to thinly disguised envy to horrified fascination to the occasional lecherous grin.

I especially liked the way they tried to camoflauge the swimsuit competition as Lifestyle and Fitness *in* Swimsuit, in which the contestants are allowed to wear bikini or one-piece suits. They'd show a little clip of the contestant doing their thing - trampoline jumping, running and horseback riding were among the *bouncier* choices - and then they would have the lovely lady walk down the ubiquitous set of stairs in their impossibly high heels, parading their goods for all to see... some of those girls really knew how to walk - not to mention how to choose a swim suit! WooHoo! Course, all of them could have used about a year of good eating before I'd be all that interested, but still... they were awfull purty.

The evening gown portion was fabulous as usual - there were more spangles and beads than at a Junior League social, and they got to tell heartwarming stories about why they chose their father/grandfather/cousin to escort them down the staircase... how fucking sweet. It made me start thinking... who would escort me? What male - and I'm assuming they would be sort of strict on the biologically born part - would I deem important enough to walk me down that staircase, should the world spin backwards and I end up as a contestant? Hmmmmm, no father to speak of... grandfather's have both died.... no brothers, uncles or others.... there is my mom's cousin, who is cool, but I only know him in a distant sort of way. Though he is gay and looks good in a tuxedo... I decided I'd end up going with my old boss, who filled some sort of odd father/mentor role while I was a the paper, and who looks pretty damn good when he's all dressed up. But how sad is that that the closest man I have in my life is an employer? A former employer at that? Sheesh. I gotta get outta this chick-refuge and make some guy friends!

Anyway, back to the pageant... one of the most frightening parts was the new quiz show format they've added, where the final five contestants get behind little answer screens ala Weakest Link as Wayne Brady (I love him!) asks them mostly ridiculously easy questions interspersed with the occasional really hard one... I actually found myself competing with the poor dears, but of course, it wasn't a fair fight! After all, they may have beauty (and money and great teeth and tiny waists and perfect breasts and all that other meaningless crap) but dammit - I know my trivial facts and basic historical knowledge! Hell yeah!

So, you may ask... who am I voting for? Well, I was shooting for Miss Oklahoma who just seems like a cute little country doll, but she just got third place... and I don't like either of the last two - Ug-lee! But, after all, it's not a beauty contest, it's a scholarship competition, so looks are not what is important. Yeah. Whatever.

Well, the show is over... gotta go make a phone call.

Wait - question for my readers, answer in the comments.... if you were going to compete in Miss America, what would your talent be? I'm not sure what mine would be - after all, the things I'm really good at either are way too boring (writing features, say) or way too exciting (use your imagination) to do in front of an audience. Perhaps I'd find a way to demonstrate my shopping ability, or I could do the RAD positions from self-defense class. But enough about me... what would your talent be?

2002-09-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

Identity Crisis

Last night was the Student Activities Fair, which is where each and every student org. and club sport (wo)mans a table filled with flyers, candy, mailing list sign-ups and the occasional free pen. This is all in an attempt to lure you into their little web of meetings, obligations, time commitments and frequent bouts of petty in-fighting. Oh, and also fun outlets for social, political, athletic and creative interests, of course.

The tables are crammed right next to each other in our largest auditorium, six rows making three long aisles that were quickly filled with eager new students and the occasional uncommitted returning student like myself. You see, the group I worked with last year left a sour taste in my mouth - we fell apart after the first semester, and the 'zine I was responsible for never was finished, much to my regret. This year they are getting some new energy, which will be good, but honestly, I'm just not interested. I think, for one thing, I just don't have the same energy for a queer group that the younger, more newly-out ones do - they're all just so damn enthusiastic about being gay. And, also, they turned out to have earned their reputation as the clearinghouse for much of the alterna-dyke-drama that occurs on campus, and I prefer to live my own drama, not have to suffer through others'.

So, there I was wandering down the aisles, reading the signs and checking out the literature... should I join the fencing club and get to play with foils? Maybe the Rennaissance and Medieval Club, where life is one long Ren-Faire? Or how about the Psychology Club, which I can only imagine spends its time analyzing each other over popcorn.

However, I ended up going with a more political bent, signing up for the Campus Democrats and the Feminist Collective, who I worked with a bit last year on the Clothesline Project. I also signed up for the photography club, though I don't know if I'll have time to really get into that. I just think it's a shame that I bought a decent camera a few years ago, took half of a photog. class, and still really don't know how to use it. That was it for the activity sign-up, though I may still make it to a few of those Ren-Faire type activities... I do look good in a corset, after all!

By the way, they're showing Bound on tv right now, which I find just very odd. Odd and wrong. But still, I'll rarely turn down a chance to watch one of the best flicks around. Though I missed the hot sex scene.... :(

2002-09-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

ARGH!

I just wrote a really, really long post, and somehow this stupid mac ate it. DAMNITDAMNITDAMNITDAMNIT!

CRAP.

Okay, I have to go now, but I'll try to recreate it later...

DAMN

2002-09-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

In Lieu of Actual Writing...

Take the Bear Quiz at quizlets.tk by Krysten

2002-09-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

Double Ouch

Still have a headache. Head hurts. Need to chew, nothing to chew on. Grumpy. Bored. Should read paper, but head hurts. Will read paper and make head hurt more, because hey - that's what good students do.

And what's up with no love on the reblog about my acing my first Latin quiz?

Me go pout now. God I hope this Imitrex starts working soon...

2002-09-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ouch

I have a headache. It's a migraine, actually, but I keep thinking that if I don't call it that, then it won't happen. It's clearly because of the weather, which is laying like a big wet wool blanket, choked with sweat, on top of the entire campus. Ugh.

On a much more positive note, I did get a 30 out of 30 on my Latin quiz, so I'm much cheered up by that. And I just found out that my math class will have no tests. God I love this school.

I'm at work, I just cheated for a few so I could blog about my miserably pounding head.... send all sympathy this way, and pray for the rain to come on with it and then go away.

2002-09-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

TaDa!

Completed this weekend:

Read seven chapters of History book (actually already the 8th, it's just a good book)
Read one article written by Socio. Prof.
Translated one paragraph version of Pandora's Box
Completed two spreadsheets for Math
Read two complete New York Times and clipped several stories to discuss in class.

Yep, in other words, I did ALL MY HOMEWORK! I rock, I know it, woohoo. Of course, the homework wasn't all that strenuous, just about 8-10 hours of work total. Still to do is reading the book for Socio that's so expensive they kept it on reserve at the library rather than having us buy it. I'll do that Tuesday before class.

Can it really be this easy? Can I really be done with my homework? And I also managed to tidy up my room (still haven't gone through all the misc. crap in bags around the room, but it's clean) and go shopping (half of which I'm returning) Added to the repotting of all my plants that my friend did for me, and it was quite a productive weekend.

Oh yes - and I think I found a church! A real church, with faith, and community, and a feeling of warmth even on my first visit. I'll still visit a few others, but I have a feeling I'll be coming home to this one.

I'm exhausted now, so I'm off to bed....

2002-09-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

Good Reading

If any of y'all like historical autobiography, journalism, or inside gossip on New York's history, go read The Trust: The Private and Powerful Family Behind the New York Times. I've only read the first 7 chapters (it's assigned for my class) and I'm already sold on the rather large book... it's just fabulous! I spent the afternoon finishing my chapters and getting started on today's Times while sitting over a late lunch, then outside on a quiet park bench. God, it was a wonderful day.

I'm off to do more reading, clipping out the stories I find interesting so I have something to say during class, and then I move to Latin. I love weekends like this...

2002-09-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

Tired

Just got home from movie (The Good Girl, not quite as cheery as I'd hoped) and drinks at the Outback (yummy and peachy) and now I'm going to bed.

Feeling rather down, to tell the truth. Must have been the movie. I'll feel better in the morning....

2002-09-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

Let's All Go to the Movies

Doesn't it just make you think of the cute little concession cartoons, dancing their way as the catchy tune wafts over them? Yeah, me too....

I'm headed off to the theater with a friend (no-kissy from blogs past) to see The Good Girl, starring Jennifer Aniston as a 30-year-old Texas girl stuck in a dead end job and dead end life... Hmmm, sound familiar? Though I don' t know that they'd pick Jennifer Aniston to play me, at least not if they were being at all realistic! Oh, and apparently her twang is quite pronounced... critique to follow at a later date.

2002-09-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

Grieving

I feel like it's so cliche to blog about the anniversary, but then, what else is there to write about? I had classes today, and only one even mentioned it, but it's just omnipresent.

My morning began much like it did a year ago, with my waking up and turning to the news channels. Last year it was a leftover habit from being a reporter, today it was a change from my usual Buffy/ER/Mash morning fare. Flipping between the Today Show and several other stations, I watched memorials from all over, as the entire world shared in our pain, as well as mourning the loss of their own countryment. And when 8:46 came, and the moment of silence fell across the country, I cried... heaving sobs, for the lost lives, for my lost innocence, and for our lost sense of safety. Then it was race to class and go about my day.

The campus held a memorial service during lunch, which I chose not to attend, mainly because I had a class just 10 minutes after that I wanted to be in emotional shape for, not enter with red swollen eyes and a mind distracted by grief. But now I find, classes over and memorial service past, that I have not done enough - I have not done whatever it is that is required by my soul to mark this painful day.

My friends feel the same, or some do, at least... so we are gathering tonight, after dinner, at the bridge that spans lower lake. I will bring flowers for remembrance, sadness, peace and hope. We will share our memories, our feelings, our hopes and our fears, or perhaps we will share nothing but silence. Then we will each take a flower and toss it over the bridge, to watch it be swept away by the brook... And then, moment over, we're heading off to do laundry and down a few at the local pub. Talk about life going on.

I have nothing all that deep to say, nothing so much to add to what has been written online and in print, about how this act affected us, how it has shrunk the world and shaken our beliefs, how it has pushed us to war while simultaneously making us understand the horror in a way we never perhaps did, the way it has scarred our collective psyche to a degree unprecedented in American history. Nothing to add but my own quiet agreement, my own simple fears, my own unspecified mourning for people I never knew and places I never visited. I am so sad today, that words begin to fail me... my tears seem so meaningless, and yet so unavoidable.

But still, I vote for peace. That is a hard sentence to write, for my urge is to say kill them all.... but knowing that there is no such thing as a surgical strike, that there is no possible way that war can bring retribution only to those who commited the crime while sparing the innocent, knowing that, I cannot vote for war. I can, however, vote for justice, for trials, for Nuremberg Part II. But war, war is only giving the terrorists what they want, it is only allowing ourselves to be sucked into the plans they laid so many months ago, only sinking to their level. I hope and pray that others will share this belief, and that we will walk the thin line of justice without war, retribution without revenge, and security without oppression.

That's enough from me... I'm off to buy my flowers...

Peace be with you all today, and every day, and may your hearts be eased by a faith in some higher power or higher purpose.

2002-09-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed
I am tired. I am hungry. I am watching daytime tv (Days of Our Lives, of course) and trying to decide between taking a nap and getting a bowl of cereal. Maybe I'll get a bowl of cereal and THEN take a nap. Who knows. I love Mondays. Well, this monday at least, next monday I start work... :(:(:(

Latin is kicking my ass already, after only three sessions. After years of only guessing the misery my friends went through with test anxiety and the like, I can now fully relate. When I'm in that class, I feel shaky and insecure, and as soon as he begins presenting new information it's as though I've got a teflon coating on my brain, repelling any and all knowledge in an effort to protect myself from the sharp edges of declensions, ablatives, pluperfects and other mysteries of the Roman world. I'm actually thinking I'll have to break down and use all those pesky resources like tutors, professor office hours, and study guides that I've always been able to ignore.

Then I went to my math class, which is simultaneously frustrating and promising. It's Qualitative Reasoning, an interdepartmental course that has three teachers - one from comp. sci., one from history, one from sociology. The first third we learn how to use spreadsheets to organize and manipulate data, using "life-skills" stuff for the most part, like mortgages, loans, etc. Just like my last math-for-dummies course I took at community college that they did not accept because it wasn't "real" enough. The second part we look at the expansion of the railroad in 19th century England and Wales and the resulting change in population, migration patterns, using the newly acquired math/spreadsheet skills from the first. We learn about GIS for that part. The third part is a look at race and residency in our state, with a focus on social inequality and racial housing patterns. We're using SPSS for that part, and will be exploring and analyzing the U.S. Census for that one. All in all, the class seems interesting and with a lot of application in my future career, whether I teach history or go back to journalism. But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

My other two classes start Tuesday and Wednesday, so I'll give updates of those when I can. One is at a neighboring college, so I'm sorta excited/nervous about that...

Well, I've run out of words (didn't get a very large allotment today, it seems) so I gotta go.

2002-09-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

Tipsy

So, like the new adjective headlines? Good. Okay, so I'm tipsy, perhaps bordering on drunk. Went to a school dance tonight, after the crowd met in my room for "cocktails" I drank several rum and diet cokes, and am feeling little pain, except for in my heart. Typical.

Long day, long week, so much to say, but so little desire to say it. I'm happy and unhappy at the same time, at times for the same reason. But through it all, I am proud to say that I have learned the following:

Voco, Vocas, Vocat, Vocamus, Vocatis, Vocant. I call, you call, he/she/it calls, we call, y'all call, they call. I rock, even drunk.

2002-09-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Exhausted

I've been unpacking, and unpacking, and unpacking, and still my room is not done. Of course, that unpacking has been sandwiched in between doses of running around campus figuring out my schedule - of course I ended up keeping all the classes I started with - and visiting with friends I have not seen since May.

I did not realize that this coming back to school thing would be such a big deal - I mean, it's a really interesting phenomenon, as everyone comes back to the circle, slightly different but still the same, and we all hug and cuddle and then sort of figure out where we fit this time around. Some people who weren't close last year are spending lots of time together, while others who were inseperable are barely hanging around each other. Nothing malicious, just one of those things. And it will continue, as our new schedules put us together and tear us apart in various ways. It's exciting, and scary, and oh-so-cliche in so many ways.

I find that I'm sort of sad and grumpy, because I am always frustrated by being around people who are very close and intimate and loving towards each other - either as couples or good friends - because I seem to have an invisible force field that keeps that behavior from me. I have really realized how much my own walls, my own inner defense mechanisms, are to blame for the deep-seated loneliness I feel. It's all about insecurity and low self-esteem and the absence of trust in others. And it's something I'm trying to change, though I'm not exactly sure how. For now I'm making an effort to mimic others who are comfortable with touching, hugging, petting and the like, which seems like a primary method of communicating closeness around here. At first (like most of last year,) it made me very uncomfortable to engage in all the huggy-kissy-cuddle-puddles that my friends participate in. But towards the end of the spring, and now as we go into fall, I'm trying to be more physical, to reach out to the women I speak to, to allow them to reach out to me. It feels good, and I think it's a good start...

It has been nice to see how happy my friends are to see me - makes me feel all loved and loveable and suchlike... two of the trads woke me up the other morning and pounced on me while I was still in bed (trapped there by my refusal to wear anything other than a shirt to sleep in, I might add) And another one came to my door before she even got her own room key... Nice to know I was missed... these really are women who may very well still be in my life a decade later, which is saying quite a lot for me. There's only one person in my life who's known me from as long ago as 1995, and only a handful of others date back to 1997/98 - and most of those are at work! But that's changing... I've got a few people I count as true friends back home, and a few I'm making here.... it feels good.

I want to do some general updates from my unplanned absence, but that might have to wait till tomorrow. After all, it is almost 2 a.m. and I start Intro to Latin tomorrow morning! EEK!

2002-09-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

Where Am I?

Or rather, where have I been? It's just been crazy... moving, leaving the one job, dealing with everyone coming back, dealing with all my emotions, all my stuff... crazy, I tell you!

However, I'm back, and I'll update more either tonight or tomorrow....

:::::::::::::: waving HI! at whoever might still be reading this thing :::::::::::::::

2002-08-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

.

I've been grumpy, weepy, whiny and irritable. Gee, guess what? On the rag. What a surprise. You'd think that after two decades of bleeding, I'd recognize some of the fucking symptoms. But at least now I know that I'm not a total loon, and that I'm not losing my mind. And now the symptoms are moving from emotional to physical, with cramps the size of Ohio making me miserable. About once every three months, I get one of these killer periods, the kind that make me wanna have it all ripped out, biological clock be damned.

Anyway, enough of my bitching, right? Here's a cute quiz I just took (which I tried very hard to answer out of my normal reality, not my current mood, otherwise the answer would have been quite different, I'm sure.)
Thanks to Sicksider for the link.

Take The Princess Quiz by Azure Eyes

You are The Princess of Quite a Bit

Your kingdom is comprised of modest crafts and tradesmen.
Though your title of Princess is mostly honourary, you still manage to take advantage of the freedom and privileges your sovereignity provides.
You have time to enjoy the finer things in life, but keep your indulgences to a minimal level, beleiving that one should waste not, want not.
You never forget your prestigieous heritage, but you prefer to mingle with the commoners, relishing in the special freedoms they have.
Your life revolves around tradition and celebration, spending those times with the ones you love.
Level-headed and considerate, you are well liked by all your subjects.
Your crown is a thin band of jewels.
Your throne is a simple chair that sits beside your mother’s throne.

2002-08-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

MIA

Yep, that's me... Missing in Action. I don't know exactly why I haven't been blogging as of late, I just think there hasn't been all that much interesting to say, and I'm on a bit of overload from all the various email accounts, mailing lists, web sites, etc. that I either am on, read, get, or write on a regular basis. Now I find myself being happy when I go a day without turning on my home computer, when I read or go do things instead. It'll swing back to normal again, I'm sure.

For now, let's see... I did really well all week, walking 20 minutes a day, doing my exercises, staying in my point ranges, but this weekend it's like I'm not even on a freaking diet! I don't know what's wrong with me... though part of it is that the food supply has dwindled, as the conference season ends, and now I'm left to forage for food on my own instead of mooching off the nice buffets at work. I'm sort of chalking this weekend up to that, and starting tomorrow I'm going to stay on my diet no matter what... And today I'm going to walk again, so that's only two days I didn't walk this week. Still, I hate it that the way I've been eating has probably cancelled out the good I got from walking. We'll see on Tuesday, I suppose.

My job ends Wednesday, and they still haven't said if they can hire me for the school year. But, the job they're trying to put together is actually pretty interesting... it's an Administrative Fellow position, which is sort of para-professional, and it pays a tiny bit better than all other student jobs and comes with silly little luncheons and workshops with other administrative fellows on campus. I'd basically be learning the whole event planning process, from meeting with brides and other organizers to developing menus, schedules, etc., then processing those through the system here, and then overseeing the event itself. I think it sounds fun, with opportunities for all sorts of little projects like compiling a reference book for brides and others who need recommendations on photographers, djs and such, and making a little handout like "For the Bride:" that would orient them to our facility. Of course, this is all dependent on my bosses, who while being wonderful people, are rather slow-moving and cautious, which might work against me getting this gig, since they're having to sort of create it out of air. We'll see.

In other news... well, I don't know that there is any. I started reading this lesbian murder mystery, something about some Arizona detective lady... I couldn't get past the first few pages of italicized flashback, full of overwrought purple prose, ridiculous cliches and weird dialogue patterns that must have meant something to the author, but meant nothing to me. I was really dissapointed, though I should have known. I just really wanted to enjoy a lesbian novel, and since I'm on a major murder mystery kick, I thought this would be a nice way to kill two birds with one stone. Oh well...

It does give me pause, since lately I've been entertaining the idea of trying my hand at writing one of these mysteries that I love so much. I think with my strange and fairly eventful past, my stint as a newspaper reporter (crime beat, at that!) and my ability to spell most words correctly, I might have a chance of turning out something at least passable. I don't know... I've got some of the characters already, and the beginning of the plot, but I just don't know how to get there from here. And, after reading that drivel, I'm not sure I should. However, it might not be a bad exercise, just to try fiction, as a sort of change of pace, writing-wise.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now... well, except for thanking Ian for the link to the Now Hiring story! I CANNOT BELIEVE they are still running that photo! They oughta be ashamed of themselves!

Off to run the dykewrite ring...

2002-08-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

Moody/Grateful

Moody. Not always bad moods, but always moods. I think I've had enough of summer. And I've had enough of this time, this spell, this phase, whatever it may be. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for sunlight that does not burn, water that does not drown, air that is not choked with dust. I am ready for experiences that do not destroy, thoughts that do not scald, and loves that do not leave. But does being ready mean anything?

I somehow doubt it. The universe moves at its own pace, and it is often far different than mine.

However, there is much to be grateful for, and as taught many years ago to do when in such funks, I will list them here:

1. I'm a student at my first-choice college
2. I'm paying a mere pittance to be here, and even that isn't due for another three years.
3. I get most of my food served to me already prepared, and I don't even have to do the dishes.
4. I get to spend most of my time doing pretty much whatever I want to do - read, study, hang with friends, sleep, watch tv, etc. The
timing/scheduling is mine, and I am pretty much my own master.
5. I have a handful of truly great friends, some of whom may remain in my life beyond this college experience.
6. I have a handful of great friends back home who keep in touch, showing love, interest, concern and curiosity just when I need it most.
7. I have a handful of exes who are more than exes, they are my family, closer to me than my own blood.
8. I have a family that, while difficult to deal with, truly loves me and wishes the best for me (although they may disagree about just what that is!)
9. Relatively speaking, I have my health. In fact, this new blood pressure medicine is working miracles!
10. I have the ability to work out and eat right, in hopes of losing weight, which very poor people and those with handicaps are often unable to do.
11. I can honestly say I've made a difference in several people's lives, including children, and that is likely the best thing anyone can ever say about their life.

Well, I could go on and on, but I think I'll let that stand for now.

2002-08-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

She's Home!

Well it's about damn time! I kept checking, hoping, looking, but no Karen to be found. She was too busy gallivanting around the city of sin. But now she's back and all is right with the world....

I'm off to read what I am sure will be a scintillating account of her time there, complete with tales of multi-million dollar winnings (which will probably put her into the mood to fly a certain broke college student to some luxurious vacation destination, I'm sure )

2002-08-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Update!

Well, I just added the update feature to my blogroll, along with my navel-gazing diet blog, and the fabulous sicksider, which I thank Karen and Tracy for turning me on to (y'all are just always turning me on )

And I changed my archives from weekly to monthly, cuz as I approach the 9-month anniversary of this little blogaroonie, the archives list was getting outta control.

2002-08-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

Bored, bored, bored

It's one of *those* days here at work. I'm sitting here listening to the insipid ramblings of a co-worker who doesn't know when to shut up, even as I'm holding my head in obvious pain after complaining frequently about my migraine. ugh. some people just shouldn't be allowed outta the water.

Anyway... I'm happy to see that my columns are back to normal - perhaps my prayers to the Supreme Blogginess helped, or perhaps it was the human sacrifice I made of three technophobes and one greasy programmer. I don't know, I'm just glad it worked.

Now, may I just take a moment to sing the praises of Imitrex, which has taken a significant amount of the pain away, leaving only a tingly sort of goofy feeling in its wake....

Imitrex, oh Imitrex, long may your tingle be felt
Without you I do fear my brain would surely melt.
Your pain-relieving powers are nothing to be scoffed at,
and your side affects are like wearing a feather hat.
Imitrex, oh Imitrex, you are my favorite pill,
If I were rich, I'd include you in my will.

Okay, enough singing of praises. Back to pretending to work. More later, perhaps. (but don't worry, I promise, no more singing!)

2002-08-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Help!

Can anyone tell me what to change on my template to go back to normal? The links section is just huge! and my journal section seems all squished up... c'mon y'all.... any suggestions?

2002-08-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

You're Welcome

Since I'm always on the computer, and almost always online, I thought it'd be nice to do an online journal of my weight loss - you know, points each day, fitness goals vs. realities, progress, etc. Along with the more personal stuff about how it feels...

However, since I'm sure y'all don't want to be lulled into catatonia with my meal by meal point accumulations, I will not be doing that journaling here.. instead I've started a new mini-blog - The Incredible Shrinking Artemis - to record the minutiae (sp?) of my weight loss efforts. Feel free to check it out if you like, it'll eventually make it up on the links to the left, but I don't know yet if I'll have comments or anything. I might eventually add some links to cool weight loss sites, like Dotties Weight Loss Zone and Three Fat Chicks, but I doubt I'll do much else in the ways of site improvements.

That's it for now, gotta go pee (drinking 80 oz of water a day is way healthy, but geez.... they outta just hook up a catheter!)

2002-08-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

WOOHOO!

I lost 3.2 pounds, which brings me to a total of 7 pounds in 7 weeks. Finally, some results I can be happy about! And to celebrate, I walked twice around the lake, which is 2 miles, in 40 minutes... yay me! My friend is also doing a big diet/exercise thing this summer, so we walked together, which makes it much, much more fun. We're going to do it again tomorrow too....

Tomorrow is also a meeting of the local perv club, so I might go to that as well, though I'm not married to the idea....

Last night watched a gymnastics exhibition with no-kissy and then went for drinks... chit-chatted most of the time, but I finally admitted that it made me nervous being around her, which she completely ignored and changed the subject, but as we were leaving, she mentioned it, and we chatted around the subject, basically I said that while I still didn't have any answers, I would be lying if I said I didn't still have questions... she said she also has questions too.... so great, two questioning people... yay. But for some reason, just knowing that she still had questions made me happy...

More on her later, I'm sure... I really just wanted to check in and crow about my weight loss! My goal is now a very achievable 10 pounds before classes start, though 15 would be nicer....

2002-08-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well....

Dinner went well - surprisingly so. Had steamers, baked scrod and tapioca pudding... yummy. Felt all sorts of inappropriate feelings for a woman who just two months ago I decided was not dating material. Laughed and talked and found myself flirting, then being ashamed of myself for flirting. She, meanwhile, maintained a lovely distance that most likely was not forced and is just proof that I'm not nearly as fascinating as I thought I was. Oh well.

On the other hand, I just watched the Anna Nicole Show, and it is every bit as fascinating as I though it would be, though it is clearly in the amusing train wreck vein, where you just can't stop watching as she derails before your very eyes. It truly is must-see tv.

p.s. on my schedule tomorrow, answer interesting emails....

2002-08-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

Return of No-Kissy

Yep, she got back today from being gone for two months, and we're going to have dinner. I don't know why my face lights up when we talk, or why I'm so eager to see her. Maybe time and absence has made my heart grow fonder? If that is so, then won't proximity lessen that effect? Well, we'll see tonight. I don't know... there's so much to talk about, and still such possibilities, but then, probably not.

sigh

Anyway... we're having seafood (I wanted Red Lobster - REALLY BAD!, but she didn't want to drive the hour each way to the nearest one) and I have no idea how it will go, or what we will talk about. Will we talk only about "what we did for summer vacation" or will we talk about "us" and the corresponding "lack of us"? Who knows... I just hope the food is good. I ate a foot-long subway for lunch, so I don't have all that many points left.

Speaking of weight loss and stuff... I'm very discouraged that I haven't really lost anything. I'm eating healthier than I EVER have in my life, but shouldn't I be losing SOME weight? I don't know... maybe I'm just doing something wrong.

Here's things that I still need to do/change/adjust/begin/etc. to achieve my weight loss/fitness goals. Some I've started on, but have no perfected, and others I'm light years away from doing.
* quit Diet Coke (as horrifying as this seems - and trust me, my inner addict is in convulsions at the thought of it, I think I might try this either this week or next)
* drink 100 oz. of water (while the standard is 64 oz., many people hold to the idea that when overweight, you should drink more, basically 1/2 of your weight - and no, I don't weight 200. Just close.)
* engage in 30 minutes of physical activity at least 5 days a week (beginning with 20 minutes, but it's been a tough sell to my lazy body/brain)
* eat within my point range every day, without snacking or going over in the last few hours of the day
* cut out all eating after a certain time of night (say, 8 p.m.) But then what will I do during finals and paper writing nights?
* take up a sport of some kind, something that I really enjoy and would continue to do. I'm thinking tennis or crew, though they don't have crew classes, just crew team, which there's NO WAY I'll be making it anytime soon... sorry "dad"
* do 60+ crunches each day
* begin yoga/pilates/tai chi/something to strengthen, lengthen, tone and relax....
* get a workout/fitness buddy who can help motivate me and keep me accountable for the physical activity portion of the plan
* get a weight watchers buddy who can do the same for the food portion
* learn and really internalize the various points and portion sizes of most regular foods...

Well, that's a lot. But right now I see that it's five minutes till 5, so it's time for me to get outta here! More on the dinner later, I'm sure....

2002-08-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Baby Fresh
How do babies smell soooo good? I mean, you just take a little whiff of their sweet skin, and it's like breathing in a bit of heaven... all hot and salty and sweet and soft...

I spent the night babysitting for a pair of visiting musicians... their 13-month-old daughter is a complete dream, and it was some of the best 6 hours I've spent (tonight and last night) She's underweight, apparently allergice to wheat and unable to process any wheat-containing foods, so the goal is to get her to eat as much as humanly possible. So babysitting her consists of following her around with some food item or another, trying to entice her to "twy a wittle bit". Last night she gobbled everyhing up, but tonight, she was much pickier... no jar foods, no scrambled eggs, no bottle, nothing but cheerios and mini-rice cakes, and a smidge of rice krispies with half-and-half. I tried everything, but she wasn't having it.

We walked around, we talked (well, I talked, she cooed) and named things, discussed colors, touched things and compared how they felt. We stood on the screened in porch and watched the sky darken, we looked at the trees and the grey sky, the moths flocking to the light. When she seemed bored (no toys, they're all back home, apparently) we pulled out the pots and pans and played drums... it took some coaxing, but after a few false starts, she was into it, her face serious as she banged away. What a miracle it is to watch a child learn... it was play, yes, but it was learning. You could almost see the gears in her little brain working, as she experienced the sound of the spoon against the metal strainer, then the deep saucepan, and then the shallow pie plate. Amazing....

Soon, she was tired, and she took a nap, just like the night before, and I found a spot on the couch where I could watch her every twitch and turn. I pulled out my latest murder mystery (the Amanda Pepper series, which is so-so) and enjoyed one of the most peaceful, vibrant hours of reading I ever have.

I just love children. I love watching them, I love teaching them, I love loving them. And you know what? I'm going to be a great mother.

2002-08-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

No Habla Espanol?
This is the COOLEST! I was poking around my referrer logs, and lookie what I found! Click here for a vision of my blog from below the borderline....

2002-08-01T21:11:00.000-07:00

One More for the Road

Thanks again, kitty

2002-08-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Coincidence? I Think Not

Hmmm, fancy that... Artemis=Goddess of the Moon. Arianrhod=Priestess of the Moon. Groovy. Thanks kitty for the link...

I Am
Arianrhod
Celtic Goddess of Love and Fertility.
You are
Arianrhod
Goddess of Love and Fertility.
Arainrhod was a beautiful preistess of the moon and a Welsh cosmic goddess. She was thought the control the stars of the Milky Way, which she spun on her Silver Wheel. She was also a healing goddess, and a goddess of the Otherworld.

What Celtic Goddess are You?
Quiz by Aoibhell

2002-08-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhh

Okay, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I took the Imitrex, at about 1:30 p.m., figuring that even if it knocked me out, it'd wear off in time for babysitting at 6 p.m., and at least I wouldn't be in pain. But, other than several tingly sensations (which, given my dry spell, felt pretty darn good) and a bit of stumbling when I was running so me errands, I seem to have been fairly unaffected - except for the most important affect - No More Migraine! Though I can still feel its ghost, hovering over me, I am currently pain free, and hoping to stay that way.

Better Living Through Chemicals... ah, it's taken on such a pedestrian meaning in my old age....

2002-08-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Ugh

First, thank you to all who have expressed sympathy for me... it's mucho appreciated.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled whining. Yes, my head still aches... I left work early yesterday (thank god for understanding bosses) and got my Imitrex, went home, took it, and passed out. For 3 hours. Then I woke up, watched West Wing (even through the pain it's just a great show!) and then tried to read for about an hour (still on the embarrasingly readable Three Sisters trilogy) then, about 11:30, went back to sleep, only to be woken up this morning at 6:30 a.m. by the INCREDIBLY loud noises of construction just a yard from my window. Oh yes, have I mentioned? There's MAJOR construction work going on behind my dorm, literally right outside my window... ah, such music for the migraine...

So here I am at work, with the migraine somewhat subdued by the drugs, sleep and copious amounts of water, but still it lays in wait, crouched in the front right side of my brain, sending rythmic reminders that it's still there, that I may have won this battle, but it can still win the war... so I move carefully, and I speak slowly, and I keep drinking water and sodas like I was trying to become fish-femme, and I hope. I pray. I ignore. And I wait.

Because I really can't afford a migraine tonight, or tomorrow, because I'm babysitting for a pair of visiting musicians, and I can't be blinded by pain or befuddled by drugs while the well-being of a beautiful 13-month-old is in my care. So I can't take drugs, and I can't give in to the pain... blech. Ugh. Hmph. And all those other sounds...

Okay, enough whining. Back to work for me. Gosh, when did I become such a good little adult?

2002-07-31T08:40:00.000-07:00

Oh, I Recognize This

Well, I was just sitting there sorting keys (one of the most hated aspects of this dreary summer job) and I realized that the sun glinting off the table was about to kill me. I moved stuff around so it reflected less, and then it hit me - nausea, sensitivy to light, the red spot on my eyeball this morning, general moodiness of the past 24 hours, and the headache that is slowly tightening its fist as my brains begin to squeeze out. It's a migraine. yippee. Luckily, I've got an Imitrex scrip that my doctor left me, but I can't get it filled till after work, which means 5-6 hours before relief... and even then it's an iffy proposition - I've only taken it a few times, and supposedly it works best if taken right away.

Wish me luck.

2002-07-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

Check Her Out

www.glitterqueer.blogspot.com

I left a note urging her to check out DykeWrite, she'd fit right in, I'd say.

2002-07-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

Complaint Department

1. My head hurts.
2. I don't want to be at work.
3. I gained weight (1.6 lbs, 20 oz. of which was water I foolishly gulped on the way to the meeting, but *still*)
4. My last three blogs have gone commentless :(
5. My head hurts (I know I already said this, but it still hurts, and in fact, it's getting worse. I've gone all summer without a migraine, and I don't want to break that record now.)

Well, that's all - there's plenty more wrong with my life, and tons more that's right... but I just felt like bitching, so there you go.

2002-07-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

Dream Journal

I had a miserable dream last night, actually early this morning. It was a clear, movie-like vision of myself reading a student-produced magazine (either literary or news or something) and, when getting to the back section, reading an article/story that featured two of the BDOCs (Big Dykes on Campus), both of whom graduated this spring, and both of whom I worked with on projects and had a friendly, passing and say hello, type of friendship, with other friends in common.

So, there I am reading, and thanks to the magic of dreamland, the reading included a television-like view of the words, so that it was like seeing the characters (we'll call them T and L) say the words as I read them.

Okay, all this is set-up for what was actually a small episode... They were talking about their school memories, and T (who I must admit I had quite the schoolgirl crush on back then) said "you know what was the worst part? Artemis (actually she said my full, real, name... it glowed on the page with her vehemence) I mean, really. Everytime she was around, I just couldn't wait to get away. And she was ALWAYS talking to me, you know?"

To which L agreed, though slightly less strongly, mainly cuz L is just a rather quiet woman. T went on for awhile, talking about what a dork I was, and how silly I was for thinking I was one of them, and that I could be friends with the "normal kids" or the "popular lesbians"

God, it was excruciating. In my dream, I could feel shame and humiliation welling up from deep inside, where it's lived since grade school, where it waits for any excuse to wash over me - real or imaginary. The flood of feelings was so intense it woke me up from the horrible dream, just as they began howling with laughter at my idiocy. I quickly assured myself that it was only a dream, just a dream, only a dream... and that they would never say such callous things, or behave in such childish ways, and I reminded myself that they were both decent people, and that while I was not exactly a BDOC, that didn't make me ridiculous... Things I wish I'd known to say when I was a teen-ager, things which I only partially believe even now...

I went back to sleep and just woke up about an hour ago... still carrying the taint of the dream's shame, still feeling the finger of humilation pointing at me, laughing at me, separating me from the "cool kids", marking me as other, as uncool, as undesirable. But I know, from experience, that the feeling will fade... the sooner the better, I say.

2002-07-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

Poet and I Didn't Know It

I just had a strange experience. I'd been thinking about my scars, and wanted to write a poem about them. So I did. How very "single lesbian" of me. And of course, it's trash, but it got out my thoughts about my scars, so it's all good in terms of therapeutic value. But still, so odd. I'm just not a poetry kinda gal. Hm.

2002-07-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Scattershot

First, I want to ease your minds and let y'all know that:

18.75 %

My weblog only owns 18.75 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

Now, for some scattershot:
** I miss LOVERS! I just ate some moo shi veggies, and it was good... but nothing like Lovers... and while the crab rangoon (1 point each) was good, the stuff at Lovers is deliciously sublime in it's crispy fried perfection. ::::::: sigh :::::::

** Saw something new on tv the other day... that timeless classic, Showgirls (with Gina Gershon.... grrr, baby!) was on, and in the many nude and topless scenes, they superimposed computerized underwear to cover the naughty parts. I was blown away! I didn't know they could do that, and I can't believe they went to so much trouble to show such a lousy movie on tv. Especially since they ended up taking away what was undeniably the best part of the movie...

** Getting old sucks. I went bra-shopping today, and realized that after years of easing the pain of being less-endowed by claiming "at least gravity won't ever touch these, nothing to sag here!", well, you guessed it... I'm sagging. Not much (again, not that much to sag) but there's a definite droop... DAMNITALLTOHELL! So, there's even more inspiration to be succesfull and rich someday, so I can get that "addition" I've always dreamed of (well, if they ever make 'em so they don't explode, leak, or go malignant)

** I've stayed within my points for three days now (saturday, sunday and monday) after going 8 points over on Friday (it was the evil fried clams fault... they were put out after I'd already eaten dinner and I went into "I'm poor, I never get to eat fried clams, I'll never see a fried clam again, I must eat them!" mode.... pitiful. Many, many internal tapes still to erase.)

** Home and Garden TV really is pretty cool... as summer TV sinks into the abyss, I find that HGTV is picking up the slack...

** Saw Austin Powers today - cute, better than I expected, but then, my expectations were incredibly low. Not as much potty humor as last one, thank goodness... but the intro was much better than the actual movie, unfortunately. Great cameos.

That's all I can think of for now... I'm off to watch a rental movie - either The Gift or, or, well, I can't remember what the other flick is I got. Oh, I did rent and watch Playing By Heart, after it was mentioned SEVERAL times by fellow DykeWriter Kelly.... and it was wonderful! Funny, and poignant, and Angelina actually had flesh upon her bones... great flick.

2002-07-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

MovieLand

Cool, now it's a movie survey... though what makes me think any of y'all want to know my opinions/thoughts on movies?... oh well, myblog - my thoughts.

1. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life what would it be?
Oh my gosh... I have no freakin' idea. I'm thinking of The Wedding Singer, but I'm sure there's something better. I know there's some movie that I always watch whenever I come across it on Saturday afternoon TV, but I can't think of it's name right now...

2.Who should be forbidden to make movies?
That Son of a Beach guy, and the Barbie Twins (also the Hilton Twins, or whoever those silly girls are), and of course, Tom Greene. Ugh.

3.Which movie has the best music?
Metropolis (the restored version), The Wedding Singer, The Big Chill, Grease, Fame and City of Angels (yeah, those are more soundtracks than "music", but I don't notice background music from one movie to another, other than right then, during the movie)

4. Who is the best cowboy?
Clint Eastwood (who I don't really like, but I still have to give him props for this) and John Wayne

5. Which movies make you laugh every time?
The Wedding Singer, Rocky Horror Picture Show, tons of others - I'm a sucker for comedies

6. What movie probably isn't that good, but you love anyway?
The Lost Boys

7. What movie character is most like you?
Hmmmm, that one is hard... I don't know that they've written a character like me - not that I'm so all-fire unique and unknowable, just that people like me don't sell movies. But, okay.... There are some similarities between me and Josie in Never Been Kissed, but only before the transformation, not after... lol. And, well.... gosh - I just don't know. Sorry bout the non-answer here... maybe if I think about lesbian movies... well, not there either, since I'm not a cute and quirky young dykelet, not a trendy, chain-smoking barfly, and not a sexy, mysterious butch. So, there goes my career in film. However, there is a star (sorta) that I have been told - very rarely, I might add - that I resemble, and that is the wonderful Dana Delaney. Does that count?

8. Which movie "surprise ending" did not surprise you?
I gotta second whoever I stole this from in saying Unbreakable. I mean, REALLY! That hardly was a shocker!

9. What movie should they make a sequel for?
Shrek, The Wedding Singer (no, I don't have some Wedding Singer fetish, it's just that once thought of, it does seem to fit in several of these categories) and that lesbian flick with the canadian bookstore and all the dildoes... Better Than Chocolate, right? Oh, and maybe, while we're in Adam Sandler mode, Big Daddy. yeah, it'd be a cheesy sequel, but hey, aren't they all?

10. Which actor/actress would you watch a movie for no other reason other than that they were in it?
Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster, Tom Hanks (LOVE HIM), Susan Sarandon (not all of em, but most), Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna.

11. What are the best foreign movies ever made?
My Life In Pink and Fire

12. What's the best lesbian movie?
Better Than Chocolate and Bound

13. What's the most erotic scene in any movie?
That moment in Bound, when Tilly thrusts and Gina bites her hand (or is the sheet?) and it's just HOT - and real. Course, there are tons of others, perhaps more erotic since that one's more overtly sexual.... but that one gets my vote for now.

14. What are the worst movies ever made?
Edward Scissorhands. Ugh. What WERE they thinking? And yes, Eyes Wide Shut. Oh yeah, and Very Bad Things. And anything Tom Greene made (other than his small role in Charlies Angels, which was tolerable, even if it was responsible for the most disgusting thing to ever happen to Drew,)

Well, from reading over my answers, you'd think I have a fixation with both Drew and Adam (and you'd only be half right - you guess the half) and that I am one of the most mainstream, easily amused grrls out there. Which is also fairly true. But I swear, I am a bit deeper than that... it's just that I don't mentally catalogue very well, so when asked all these questions, my mind goes sorta blank and I just can't think of anything.

However, I will add these two things, which weren't asked.

My favorite movie is Metropolis - I can't even tell you exactly why - it's partly the movie, partly the story behind the restoration, partly the inconguous yet it works rock and roll soundtrack, and it's partly the nostalgia for the time when I discovered the movie. Anyway... love it.

My favorite movie as a child was The Double McGuffin, which I could barely find then, and can never find now. It was all about secret hiding places and spy stuff, which I was WAY into at the time.

2002-07-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

A Turning Point

You know, very recently my feelings towards my ex (known here as TEO, or The Evil One) seems to have taken a turn, for the better it seems. I was looking for some school paperwork and found myself flipping past the letter (THE LETTER) that used to send me into emotional paralysis at the mere thought of it, much less a face-to-face encounter. I flipped right past it, with sort of a sad, wry grin at the memory of loss. And at the grocery store, I saw the shampoo brand that I can't buy because it reminds me too incredibly much of her, and while I didn't want to buy it still, I looked at with something like amusement... I remembered how good she smelled, and it didn't kill me to remember, it just amused me. I actually caught myself hoping she was doing well, and that she was happy. And, most amazingly, I came across some photos of me from her apartment (ones that were so unflattering that I removed both copies from her, so that there would be no evidence of my ogreness, thank goodness) I looked at the frat-stoner furnishings (bong in the backgrond, Led Zeppelin and Corona posters on the walls, I kid you not) and I was overcome with an almost nostalgic wave of bemusement at her and her 5-years-younger-than-her lifestyle... no rancor, no deep and undying humiliation and pain, just a sort of "awww, she's such a fuck-up... what in the world was I doing there?" with a little chuckle for the insanity of lust/love....

No longer do tears come streaming down my face as I drive home, no longer do my conversations circle relentlessly back to her, no longer is she the first thing I think of each morning, or the last thing I think of each night. And, to my credit I must say, it's not because she's been replaced by another. I didn't replace her with my next ex, I just waited... and it changed. Just like *they* have always said... day by day, it got better. I'd like to say it brings a huge sense of freedom, or relief, but you know, it's crept up on me in that way that, tiny change by tiny change, it doesn't feel all that different. Just me.... it just feels like me again...

Thought I'd share it with y'all, since you had to slog through all the misery.

On another note, what was up with the birdshit on my car today? Do birds poop en masse, like a giant missile dropping exercise? I mean REALLY! I had to go wash it before I could be seen around town in the damn thing... NASTY.

2002-07-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Fire Me Up!

Woohoo - my sex sign is the same as my regular sign... it must be a sign!

What's *Your* Sex Sign?

More About You Aries...

Remember, your sex sign has nothing to do with when you were born but instead is derived from your projected sexual peak.

You're fiery, independent, & the best anyone's ever had. You're so hot that you drive everyone wild with sexual frustration. You're a total star when you're on top, but you also need to be impressed in bed.

Aries, you are headstrong, spolied, fiery in temperment, and fiercely independent. You always want to be the best anyone's ever had, and you'll spend all night convincing your lover that you are. Don't worry - you usually are the best anyone has ever had. When you get down, you don't leave out anything.

Sexually, you're a leader and very sure of yourself. One of your favorite positions is being on top, where you can move freely - while letting your lover observe you orgasm. Sex with you is always exciting. You start with teasing, playful seduction - that always drives your lovers wild with frustration. You always deliver though!

You love being over powered, and you respond to a strong sexual appetite with equal fervor. The confident lover who can give you breathtaking, powerful sex will have you eating out of his or her hand."

2002-07-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Duh

Thanks to Angel for yet another faboo quiz...

Which Real World cast member are you?

2002-07-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

Watermelon Woman

Well, Karen must have some kind of mysterious psychic power, because just one day after dual watermelon blogbacks, I was treated to watermelon at lunch (mmm, nature's little scrubbers!) AND, while perusing the tiny library's shelves, I saw Watermelon, which I promptly checked out and have already begun reading (yep, it's cute and lively, perfect summer reading.)

So, Karen... think ya wanna blogback about something else? Maybe a rich butch who's fascinated by me? Or a tax-free full-tuition scholarship? Even just the perfect pair of black pants? C'mon... use those powers for good, not evil.

2002-07-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

Feel the Burn

I am almost ashamed to say this. No, I am fully ashamed to say this. I actually woke up early this morning to work out to Denise Austin's Fit & Lite on Lifetime TV (you know, television for women, whatever the hell that mean!) So there I was, trying to keep up with the Fitness Freak herself, and feeling like an idiot. Of course, the exercises were pretty decent, and it definitely got me up and moving, which is a miracle in itself.

It's all part of my new pledge to move for 20 minutes a day - it can be walking, doing stupid televised aerobics routines, bike riding (as soon as I find my stupid key to the stupid lock) or whatever... but 20 minutes (minimum) of actual movement, activity, dare I say it, exercise. That should help up my weight loss, I hope, and also help me feel a bit better, more energetic.

I'm also going to actually force myself to stay within the real guidelines, not the ones I made up for myself. Where Weight Watchers had given me 22-27 points, I gave myself 24-29, with at least once a week of completely blowing it. Now I'm going to stick to the 22-27, and my splurge meal can only take me over by 10 points, though I'm not making them be banked, like WW says, though that will come with time.

So, hopefully, next week's loss will be more than a percentage of a pound... maybe I'll even break the two-pound barrier?!?! One can only hope....

2002-07-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Slowly But Surely

Well, .6 pounds isn't exactly what I was hoping for, but it gets me over the 5-pound hump. My total is 5.4 pounds, which is at least a tiny bit more than 1 pound a week... healthy, easily maintained, realistic... but not so exciting. So I'm adding 20 minutes of activity - walking, yoga, something - every day. Starting tonight, after Buffy (hey, a girl's gotta have her priorities, right?)

2002-07-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

Book Theft

Well, not really. All that was stolen was a survey about books, lifted clean off of Karen's blog (thanks!) While some of her answers were surprisingly close to what I would have written, I have made an effort to use original replies.

1. What book has most influenced your outlook on life?
Well, this one has to be made a multiple answer... Stone Butch Blues, Coming to Power, The Spiral Dance, The Student Bible, and The Endless Steppes.

2. What books are pure fun?
Harry Potter series, and this trashy Nora Roberts trilogy my friend has forced me to read. In the past I've read the Robin Cook medical thrillers (cookie-cutter, but decently written) for the same mindless passing of time.

3. What was the hardest book to get thru?
One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez (this was Karen's answer, but DAMN, I couldn't agree with her more! Anything harder to get through and I don't get through it.)

4. If you could only read one genre of books what would it be?
Well, are we talking fiction/pleasure, not work/school? Then it'd be murder mystery/private eye stuff, without a doubt.

5. Most inspirational book
The Hiding Place, by Corrie Ten Boom (there were others, so many others, but this one stands out the most as a true tale of inspiration in so many areas - courage, faith, love, compassion, activism, everything. Amazing.)

6. What book seems simple, but isn't
The Sneetches, by Dr. Suess

7. Do you carry any books with you?
Only the ones I'm reading at the time, though when I fly I tend to carry something spiritual to read instead of whiteknuckling the person sitting next to me.

8. Which writers have the most fun with words?
Anne Lamotte, Piers Anthony, Toni Morrison, Daddy Kay

9. What book do you like (or think you like) but shamefully have not finished?
Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold, by Kennedy and Davis

10. What novel have you read the most times?
The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradley, and Daughters of a Coral Dawn, by Katherine V. Forrest (which is apparently being reissued, yay!)

11. What books do you remember from being a kid?
Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret (and everything else by Judy Blume), Ghosts I Have Been (and everything else by Richard Peck) and Secrets of the Shopping Mall. Also, Coming to Power and the Spiral Dance, which explains a lot about me, since I'd read both before I was 13.

12. What is the best autobiography?
I really enjoyed Brett Butler's autobiography, but at the time, I felt like I had a lot to relate to, so that influenced me. Other than that, not a big fan of the autobiography, but I still like the biography.

13. Who is a good read although you disagree with nearly every word?
That's a hard one, I tend to read either fiction, where there isn't so much "agreement/disagreement" or non-fiction that is already slanted to my belief systems. It's not like I read Rush Limbaugh just for fun or anything. I did enjoy the Greatest Generation, even though I felt it was quite one-sided and left HUGE portions of the country and the era unexamined and unrepresented. Does that count?

14. Who do you mostly agree with, but still makes you cringe a bit?
Pat Califia

15. What was the best book you've read about a subject you don't really care about?
I can't think of anything right now...

16. Who have you read the most books by:
Lawrence Block, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Mercedes Lackey, Pat Califia and Katherine V. Forrest

17. What author's work scares you most?
The afore-mentioned Rush Limbaugh. Oh, and of course, Steven King (though I don't read him, cuz he's too scary)

18. Whose books would you buy the minute they are published?
Lawrence Block, J.K. Rowling, and now, Jennifer Weiner

19. Whose book made you like an author you thought you hated?
More Than A Carpenter, by Josh McDowell (converted me to Christianity, it did... course, it didn't last, but oh well)

20. What's your favorite book that no-one else has read?
Give Me Time, by Linnea A. Due.

Well, that's all for now... I've got to go get weighed in....

2002-07-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Readin' n Writin'

Well, I'm happy, I just got a chunk of research done for my project... enough to winnow out the Top Ten that I wanna write about. Now I just have to decide if I want to do a series of profiles, then put the real info in a sidebar, or do the info as the article (more service-oriented) and put the profiles as sidebars. I'd rather pitch both, and let the editor decide, but I don't think that'll fly for a first contact. I guess I'll just pitch both, to different pubs, and see which flies.

Well, I just wrote a rant about someone, then deleted it, because there is a vague possibility that they might actually have knowledge of this site, and might be reading it without telling me... so... rant shall stay stuffed for now. That's gotta be good for my blood pressure, right?

Book Recommendation!: Read "Good in Bed," the ultimate summer book. Reading it was like reading the diary of an alternate Artemis, like some straight twin of mine, who had better luck and a wee bit more panache... great stuff. The basics are a plus-size young reporter (see the similarity, eh???? subtle, I know) finds herself grieving more than she should over the end of a relationship (again with the mirror, right?), while navigating her family, friendships, past, career, etc. It's like a plus-size sex in the city, though not. Just good stuff.. very funny, very true (well, except for the clearly fantastical insertion of movie star friends) Ignore the handful of typos and the one time that the editor didn't catch that a restaurant she was going to was named something different when she ate there, and it's a faboo read.

Sorta motivates me to write my lesbian reporter murder mystery outline... lol... sorta me and Matthew Scudder all mixed up... LOL. Yeah right, more like Bernie Rhodenbarr.....

Well, back to "work" :::::: winking at the secret society ::::::::::::

2002-07-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Uh-Oh

Thanks to Guttergirl for this link...

I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.

2002-07-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

It Feels Good

Well, I just printed out my envelopes, folded up my SASEs, and signed my letters. Six envelopes, going to six of the top women's magazines, asking for six writer's guidelines, so I can pitch what I am convinced is my best story idea for breaking into the "seven sisters" of women's mags. (the seventh had its guidelines online, bless their technologically advanced souls)

I'm so nervous I could spit (whatever that means) and all I'm asking for is guidelines. I can't imagine how stupid I'll be when I actually send off the query. Which, by the way, is due next Tuesday (my own deadline.) I will send it off to the one magazine I already have guidelines for, which replies in 1 month, so by the time I get back the other guidelines, I'll have gotten my first rejection and can go from there.

I'm doing this cuz I've just been jonesing to write something... i miss it. I miss seeing my name in print, seeing a story that I found, that I researched, that I wrote, sometimes even crafted, put there in black and white for thousands to read. It's more than just ego, it's this rush from telling people's stories, translating for them, allowing ordinary people to become part of the collective consciousness...
So, I'm hoping to return to it, part-time and freelance, focusing on the feature stories I love, and which happen to be the most marketable.

Wish me luck.

Oh yeah, 29 points today. Right on the top limit. Yay me.

2002-07-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

RoadTrip!

Well, thanks to some incredibly cheap plane tickets ($34 one-way) I'm planning a little trip to Washington, D.C. at the end of this summer... I'll stay at the hostel, for about $100 for a week, and then all I have to pay for is food and museum tickets. I am SO EXCITED! Much better than going home for the week (sorry Dallas, but y'all know it's true) and I will try to get an appointment at the Smithsonian to discuss my possible internship there next year. YAY ME!

So now I just have to save my money, so I can buy all those museum tickets...

2002-07-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

Pancakes

How I love the fact that pancakes are a mere 1 point per, with the syrup that gilds them only an additional one point. Our chef made blueberry pancakes this morning, made me some fresh even though I came in late... god I love that woman! She's been totally supportive of my diet, too, offering to make me steamed veggies when the food isn't good for me, and helping me get fruit and stuff when she practically snarls at the other office assistant. Guess it's just my charming ways...

Some heavy stuff going in with me, stuff that will be all too familiar to those who know me, and should actually provide a topic to discuss amongst those who don't. However, this is not the time or the place to delve into it... so we'll just have to wait.

Oh yeah, still nothing to do at work... hence the blogging. As soon as the boss gets back, I'm gonna beg her for something to do... bored, bored, bored.

2002-07-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

What To Do Next?

Sigh. There's nothing to do at work, but my boss' desk faces mine, so I have to stay busy - or at least busy looking. Reading EVERY email account I have (except for the dirty ones, hehehe) has worked some, as is this very post... but since she spoon feeds me my projects/assignments, she'll eventually figure out that I've not got anything to work on. Of course, she has nothing to fill the void, but that won't matter. I'll still look like I'm slacking.

Oh well. Not like this is my career... but still... I'd rather be busy and productive OR slacking securely, away from her judgemental eyes.

Gotta go.

2002-07-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

mmmm, candy

To any of y'all WW folk out there, be sure to try their new Fruit Sensations candy. It's sorta gummy, and sort not, and they're quite yummy... best of all, the WHOLE PACKAGE of 12 candies is only 1 point! Yay! I use them for when I'm starving (like right now) and I've just got to chew on something, but don't want to waste points on a snack. They are teeny little candies, but they last a surprisingly long time... I've only had the strawberry, but it's quite tasty. And red candy is always the best anyway.

Just thought I'd share.... lol

2002-07-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Ravenous

Yes, I am ravenous. I had cereal this morning (just one cup, actually followed the damn serving size suggestion) to jumpstart my metabolism, and, well, it worked. Consider me jumpstarted... I'm STARVING! But lunch comes in about an hour, so I suppose I'll live.

Anyway - I pulled up my blogger window and I'm gonna leave it open today so I can hopefully get a few thoughts down in between work crises... it's been just too long since I blogged... and I just *know* y'all missed me, right? lol....

2002-07-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

CYBORG

Thanks Greybird for this link... too funny. This is what I'd be if I were a Cyborg:

(by the way, I'm trying really hard not to notice that the name of that page is the Brunching Shuttlecocks... what on earth does that mean?!?!)

2002-07-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

Name and Number Please

So I'm doing all these Yahoo Astrology thingy, which have been wildly accurate the past few weeks, and so I added in my name information for the numerology part, just to see... well, among other information it gave me, it had this to say about my first name's numerical vibes...

The energy which fills you is feminine, gentle and sometimes ambiguous in its choices. You are hypersensitive to the ambiance of any situation and can adapt yourself harmoniously to the educational context at home. You want to evolve within a group or as part of a couple. Feelings dominate in all aspects of your life. The risk is that you have a tendency to be passive, to let yourself be carried along by events or energy that is stronger than your own. You are patient and flexible but you need a lot of help and support from others.

And it says this about that first name thingie... to set the above description in context, so to speak:

The First Name represents the potential you should express in your life to have a sense of balance and to succeed. It is the key to your happiness. In the beginning, your desires and ability to realize your projects in all domains will be influenced by your first name. It represents the ideal course to follow if you want to realize yourself completely. It is important that you give priority to the information that your first name gives you. You will then notice that the general tendencies that are outlined correspond to your real, inner identity.

Even though it conflicts with my Aries nature, it is soooo me, in fact, it sort of perfectly describes that very conflict, it's like there's the Aries self, then the name self....

Of course, I don't know that I believe all this, but it is uncanny... I sort of think that the whole astrology/numerology stuff is a general descriptor, capable of painting very broad brushstrokes, but I don't go for the fine-line stuff like picking a wedding date, or a spouse even, based on charts. But yeah, for general characteristics, general suggestions... might as well follow this stuff than anything else... (said the unchurched, barely believes in air, much less anything else, eternal searcher)

2002-07-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

Linky-Love

I rarely do this, but I just HAVE to send some bloglove this way... Bionic Femme, also known as Veronica Woods, the uberwoman from San Fran, is writing some wonderfully funny, poignant, stuff about getting over her very own Evil One, who sounds like it might be related to my own Evil One. Damn, how many of them are there? Go check her out... I'd tell ya to leave a comment, but she doesn't seem to have any yet... :(

2002-07-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

WOW

Swiped this link from Bumble (who I found from new DykeWriter Farrago), it's a graph that shows the interconnectedness of blogs.... and of course, the reason it's attracted my attention, other than the cool clickability of it, is that I'm listed! Cool beans... Anyway - go take a look at it and have fun following the lines....

2002-07-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

Hello???

If you can see this, then Blogger's got its head out of its butt and has found my template. Grrrr...

On a GREAT note: I weighed in last night, and I've lost a total of 4.4 pounds! ::::::::: doing happy WW dance ::::::::::

2002-07-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

HELP!

I'm getting this weird error.... I can't post.... aaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!

2002-07-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's Like Riding a Bike

You know that phrase, "It's just like riding a bike"? Means something you haven't done in a while will come back to you, once you start doing it again. Well, it makes one major assumption - that you know how to ride a bike. I don't. I guess I did, once, but I never was any good at it... I have vague memories of falling on pavement, scraping my knees, until finally my grandmother insisted that I wear jeans under my skirt (such a femme, even then) When I was older, maybe 12, I asked for a 10-speed for my birthday. My grandfather graciously provided one, though we settled on a 3-speed since I wasn't that much of a bicyclist. Well, I suppose I rode it around a little bit, but all I remember of that was the overwhelming fear of falling, and my almost inability to negotiate sharp turns (or even soft ones, to tell the truth.)

So why am I telling y'all this? Because I just spent the strangest half-hour in the dorm's basement, on my new bicycle, trying to learn how to ride a bike. Let me tell you, it was NOT "just like riding a bike." That shit is hard. The first try was actually scary, as I wobbled and wove, making a slow zig-zag out of what should have been a quick straight line down the hallway. As I neared the other double doors, I forgot all about caliper brakes and shot my feet out to grab some floor. That action did bring back some body memories from previous bicycle experiences, as I clearly remembered why I never got into my 3-speed: It had caliper brakes instead of the back-pedal brakes I was used to. I never did catch on, and spent most of my time trying to Flinstone myself into a standstill...

By the third or fourth attempt, I felt confident enough to try a turn, so I took off down the T-shaped hallway and tried to veer right into the long end of the T, which I barely did and ended up coming close to clipping the corner. Of course, my recently acquired skill at braking evaporated, and my feet were flailing as I slowed to a stop. A few more tries and I was able to make the corner, but it still felt somewhat shaky. But after a few succesfull trips (remember, we're talking about one short hallway here!) I was feeling a bit better, even enjoying the brief moments of cruising with the breeze in my hair.

I did get much better at remembering to brake with my hands instead of my feet, and I did manage to stay upright even when I went up a little hill and into the old part of the building, even made it through the narrow doorways without scraping my elbows.

Tomorrow's the real test, however. I've decided that the best way to learn is to do, so I'm riding my bike to work tomorrow morning. It's just two blocks, but now that they've torn up the road for expansion purposes, my alternate route is a bit longer. I'm pretty scared, but to tell you the truth I'm more scared of looking like an ass than anything else.

Oh yeah, the bike! It's an ancient Columbia Triumph, baby blue, with a wire basket and everything! However, it's covered with rust spots and the like, which I risked my nails for trying to get rid of tonight. Yep, I actually got down on my knees with a pail o' sudsy water, scotch-brite sponge and CLR, and cleaned up the bike. I got the wheel cover thingies lots cleaner, but the rims are still disgusting (well, the back one at least) But the rest of the bike looks decent, though it'll never look anything than old... And the seat is a tad too high, but I didn't have a wrench to lower it, I'm gonna borrow one from work and do that tomorrow. And eventually I'm gonna replace the seat, as that one is rather, um, personal feeling... but that's next week.

Of course, that's all assuming that tomorrow, when I ride to work, that riding my bike really is "just like riding a bike."

Wish me luck!