No Comment

One minute my comments - and those of my friends - are there, the next, they're gone. POOF! No feedback. No love. No bitching. No commiserating. WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Okay, I realize it's just some YACCS-side glitch (or, I assume it is) and that they will soon return, like they always have before. But it does give some painful relevance to the discussion y'all had a few posts ago about what will happen to blogging when the "trend" passes... will we blog without our readers? would it be the same? I, for one, readily admit that it won't be the same, though I will likely still use it as a journal. But no - without those comments???? Much different place, for sure. Interactivity is an amazing thing... and it's not JUST about attention and popularity, it's really about feedback. I've gotten some good advice (mainly cuz I spill my love life and we ALL have a past to draw upon there, right?) and I've heard some interesting opinions. Course, I like the comments on other sites even better, where there's more humor and bantering, and people have known each other longer... will that be me someday? Probably not - I have an amazing ability to keep friendships, acquantances, etc., very short-lived. With a few notable exceptions...

Well, gotta go get dressed. R's train was delayed by hail so I don't pick her up till 11:30. But that's an hour away, so I should probably put on some clothes and go get in the car. I'm nervous. Oh well. Blog more later... (well, probably AFTER the weekend's over)

TGIF

First, thanks to a visitor who is right now, at this moment (or pretty darn near it) looking at my very first page of posts, way back at the very beginning of the year, I just looked at it myself. Wow. I have come a long way, baby. But yet not. Because, while I spent most of my time then bitching about my ex (when I wasn't obsessively taking blog quizzes), and I no longer do that, I'd be lying if I said that pain was gone. In fact, she just the other day sent YET another group email that included me, and I finally had enough and sent her a perfectly neutral note thanking her for the interesting link to a story, and politely asking her to remove me from her group email list. To which she replied DONE. And it hurt. It hurt cuz she's out there, living her life, apparently doing a good job of it, and I don't get to be a part of it. And it's not that I want to in my head, but in my heart... damn... she's still got me by the heartstrings, and she's not even around to know it. I hate it. I hate it that I fell so hard for her. But that's enough of that.

Oooooh, now they've interrupted Buffy (how DARE they!) with a severe thunderstorm warning... it's quite dramatic... not even local weather guy with the little cardboard thunderclouds... no, just a blue screen, a loud warning noise and an ominous warning read aloud by some fuzzy-voiced meteorologist (okay, I almost typed "with WeatherData Inc., a private forecasting service in Wichita, KS" You Evil Empire types will understand....)

Anyway - I'm now doing laundry, should be taking a little nappy-poo, but I just can't seem to lay down and sleep when there's so much to do... so instead I blog. I figure I've got til 7:30 (one hour away) to hang out, then I have to start cleaning for real and then getting ready (shower, shave, etc.) before heading out about 9:45... giving enough time to get lost, get stuck in rain, and find the train station. Then I figure it's dinner, then back to the dorm.... And that's where it gets complicated. Before I walk in that dorm door, I have to have figured out how far it's gonna go, and have adequately communicated that information to R., so that any awkward moments and mixed signals are avoided if possible. Also, we have to have "the talk" about safety and such.... so much fun, eh?

I'm really sorta thinking nothing should happen much the first night - give us a chance to hang out Saturday and make sure that connection we felt last weekend was actually real....

One cool thing is that the party we're going to on Saturday is hosted by a friend who's also sorta seeing someone new, so we've agreed to get a read on each other's interests, and report back with first impressions and such...

Okay - other things... well, no-kissy is quite upset about the end of our dating. She sent me a heartfelt appeal for me to reconsider, to which I said no. I reminded her that while there were several complications from job/school/life issues, the main reason I ended it was that I just did not feel it for her the way both she and I deserved it to be felt. I told her the things I liked about her, that attracted me, and told her I was actually pretty sad that it didn't work out, as she was a good woman who I'd be lucky to have in my life. I acknowledged how cliche it sounded, but it was still true. She seemed to appreciate the comments, but was clearly still hurting. I hate this. I also apologized, several times, for not cutting the cord sooner, and for leading her on in any way... though I did not mean to... My friend A. said that, while I did the right thing, and did not really lead no-kissy on... I really could have ended it sooner - as soon as I realized the problems.

However, that raises a question for me... how do you know when the problems/red flags that you see are enough to say "no thanks" and keep moving on? I mean, I have put up with some god-awful problems in the past, and now I'm supposed to cut bait at the first sign of discomfort? I don't know how that works out... I mean, I'm FAR from perfect, so thank god everyone doesn't do that with me....

For example, I can see some flaws in R already - a bit insecure, a bit too guarded, a bit too brusque.... and I'm sure there are more. I know the whole "find someone who's imperfections you can live with, and who can live with yours," but how do you know? And how do you know in time, to avoid hurt feelings and - even worse - broken hearts? My guess is you don't know... that you just do your best to get a clue, while giving love a chance and your heart a fair shake...

Sheesh... this is hard.

Back to Buffy.....

For the Grand-Mistress of Funk

This is for Katie, who is known to have gone duck-hunting on dates (Atari-style, of course...)

There's a New Girl in Town

Just got back from shopping... I got some trouser socks, since I'm an office-drone yet again, got two blah tops, again with the office-drone-ness, and a great and cheap khaki backpack thingie from Old Navy (which, like most lesbians I know, could be the only store in the world and I'd still be happy)

Oh yeah - and I got a red silk slip and new panties. Yes. It's gonna be one of "those" weekends. Which brings me to the new girl....

Hmmmm, what to say..... met her online (*gasp!*) and chatted off and on for a few weeks... nothing serious, just sort of bantering and realizing that we had some significant things in common, and that we were looking for some similar things... but sort of not pursuing it cuz we live about 3 hours away and I was sort of seeing no-kissy at the time....

Then I made the decision about no-kissy, and told the other girl, who I'll call R for now, well, things became a bit flirtatious... and we decided that it couldn't hurt to go spend an afternoon having lunch, doing some shopping, etc., and seeing if there was anything more. We were very clear - again and again - that there were no expectations, and that we were both going into it on the premise that if, as was most likely, no sparks flew, there was enough there to be the basis of a good friendship, and, as I kept saying, a girl can never have too many friends to visit in New York....

So we met, on Sunday, halfway between our two homes, and spent the day together. It was immediately fun and comfortable, and, after a few hours, I for one knew that this was a woman I could have something with. She apparently felt the same way, because later that night, after two shots of liquid courage each (thank you Schmirnoff Ice!), she leaned over and kissed me! YAY! We kissed a bit, grinned a lot, and then I suggested we go for a walk to cool off.... then I was too cooled off, and I went to the car to get a sweater. Of course, we were then in the parking garage - the almost completely empty parking garage - and yes, we kissed some more. And yes, kissing in that sentence is a euphemism for slightly more than kissing.

YAY ME.

Chemistry abounded, and we were quite giddy and silly, just like teenagers... some talk of being bad and getting a room was had, but we quickly decided we didn't want it to be like that... so I drove her back to the train station and then drove home....

We've talked each day since, and are spending the weekend together starting tomorrow... mmmmmmmm..... this could be fun. I mean, she loves Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Metallica AND Stephen Sondheim and other Broadway stuff, she has a professional job but wants to be a film maker, she's butch but not stone, she's well-read and dirty-minded, she's my age, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, and thinks I'm just great. We played Centipede and she hit the fire button for me while I navigated the shooter... and we both got just as excited over finding the games (they also had Ms. Pac-Man, Space Invaders, the original Street Fighter and Dig-Dug.)

Now - just to be clear - this is not love, this is not marriage, and this may not even be sex - however, it is definitely a date, with defnite potential. I am so excited... and nervous... I've been trying to organize/unpack my room all week, but it's still awfully undone... and I've got laundry to do, and then there's all that shaving that ya gotta do when there's even the barest glimmer of a possibility...

Okay, before I sound like any more of a tramp, I'm gonna go...

Blog-by

Well, I have 18 minutes before I must have my socks and shoes on and be at work - yay me. so what do I do? I blog. But I realized that I haven't updated since Sunday, so I was feeling guilty... so here's a blog-by... more details to come, as needed.

1. No kissy is officially no kissy - pulled the band-aid Tuesday night, after dinner and watching Billy Elliot - great food, great movie, okay break-up. She basically agreed that night (I left her plenty of room to keep her dignity) but sent me a pretty sad letter the next day saying she was about to really fall for me, and she'd like to try again when circumstances change... obviously I didn't share *all* the circumstances, or else she wouldn't think that was possible. I tried to spare her feelings, while still being honest, and I think it turned out okay... but I'll have to follow up and make sure she's not like, waiting, for me to straigten things out on my end.

2. Work - totally boring. Might even have a chance to blog about it later, while at it, since it's so incredibly boring.

3. New girl. Yes, it's a revolving door around here, though that implies MUCH MORE FUN than I'm actually having. However, did have a meeting that turned into a date Sunday, with a girl who DOES trip my trigger, so to speak... definitely more to blog about that later.

4. School - I'm just waiting on my damn grades... won't be till mid-June, I hear.... ACK!

Okay - gotta go - must dry hair, get dressed, drive the one block to work... See ya!

**Note: This was written this morning, but for some evil reason, Blogger wouldn't let me update. So, here you have it, late but better than never. Well. Unless it's drivel, in which case never would actually be better than late. Oh well. You decide. More to come after I go shopping...

Cap and Gown

Well, I'm sitting here watching the graduation ceremony on my cable channel, and I can't help getting a little teary eyed over the thought that, in two years, that will be me in one of those robes, with my family and friends watching anxiously as I take that final walk as an un-degreed-person, and emerge a person with a degree. A status that has eluded me for far too long. A status that will mean both nothing and everything to me. I already know who I want there - Mom, Grandma, C. and K., oh, and maybe my rich gay uncle (yes, if only for the good present I'd get) - it sure is convenient having a tiny family and almost no significant friendships.... lol....

I'm also a little sad at the seniors leaving, though I don't have many friends in that class, there are a few who I became pretty close to, and others who I just like having around - their presence just makes the campus more fun. Next year will be worse, as I've got several good friends in the '03 class...

It's so nice to see them being calm for once - all year all we've seen them do is act the fool and scream "'02, '02, '02" at every opportunity. Mmmmmm, now they're playing pomp and circumstance (that's the usual one, right?) and everyone's trying to find their seats at the last minute... the parents are great to watch - it's just one big camera/videorecorder fest out there.

Last night was fabulous also - after the Baccalaureate (which I did not go to) there was the annual canoe sing, where the seniors pile in canoes and sing across the lake, followed by an incredible fireworks show that I watched out my window - I was so close that some of the louder ones made dust shake off the top of the window's ledge....

awwwww, the faculty started filing in and the seniors erupted into applause.... we really do have the best faculty here - not just brilliant, but so warm and so helpful. They really push that part during admissions, and it's true - you can really create a relationship with faculty here, they really take an interest in your life and your future. God I love it here.

Back to the pre-commencement activities... Thursday night was Beer Truck Night, when the alumna class of '00 sponsored a giant beer truck for the seniors - and all others - to drink free... it's a tradition and it's part of why the reunions always include the class who just graduated two years ago - cuz that's their little sister class who's graduating....

Oh yes - we are having reunions too - everybody who graduated in '_2 or '_7 is here celebrating their reunion... including our loyalty classes who graduated in 1927 and 1932. They're soooooooo adorable, and all the alumna are so damn fiesty....

Well, they're all seated, and the Queen will be speaking soon.... so gots to go....

Oh yeah - Go '04!!

Out, Out, Damn Spot

Thanks to the discussion at Suzy's blog, about the outing of athletes, athletes as role models, etc., for the following post. And thanks to Suzy as well for the many comments over the months... it's so nice to know somebody's actually reading all this.

So... they were talking about athletes as role models, which is a phenomenon I believe is somewhat inevitable. But while it's easy to say that's not a good thing, I have seen cases where they take it quite seriously, and it can have an amazing effect - kids really are influenced by them, in my opinion, and that influence can be for good.
However - I think it is up to parents to provide other role models, and to explain the difference between athletic role models and "real life" role models. I had some hopes that after 9/11, the emphasis on firefighters and such as heroes might remind parents of this fact, a hope I still harbor.

As for outing - I think it is horrible, invasive, selfish and insensitive. Of course, I do sorta wish that one day everybody who is gay, lesbian, queer, whatever, would just wake up purple - then all the others would see how pervasive we are, how many of us they already know and care about, and how really normal it all is. Then perhaps it could become more of a non-issue.

On a more academic note... I do think that racial formation theory (at least what I read in Omi and Winant) has some usefullness here, as sexual orientation is both a social construct and a social reality, and as such will always have a role in our culture, no matter how "enlightened" we become. In fact, I think there are important overlaps between the concept of race, which has been proven to have no meaningful biological basis, and the concept of gender, which is being found to have little in the way of distinct boundaries, and is apparently a much more fluid continuum than ever imagined. As such, it will be important to see gender (and by extension, orientation) as a fluid construct, one which people might eventually claim has no relevance as a category. However, because of our collective sociocultural history, we will never be able to completely discard the categories of gender or sexual orientation, just as we cannot erase the concept of race, if only because we will always be dealing with the after-effects of centuries of discrimination, repression and violence.

Okay - as much as I'd like to continue this (and perhaps make it actually make sense?) I must go switch over my laundry. Ah, the life of a college student.

Write On, Dyke Write

Wheee.... I've joined the DykeWrite web ring... I have no idea, really, what that means other than that random people will surf to my site, and I will surf to other random people's site - both of which already happen. But hey - all my favorite bloggers are in on it, so I'm figuring it must be cool. And the ever-wonderful (and wildly popular) Tracy even invited me herself. So hey, who am I to say no?

Now just don't get all fussy if I don't follow instructions very well... at least I got the nifty little ring thingie on my page (see left)

So, blog on, y'all.

No Kissy Revisited

I just got back from what was, I suppose, a date. And I need to blog about it. And if the woman I am writing about comes across these posts, God forbid, then I apologize in advance, and suggest that you turn back now. Those of you who don't want to hear about my kissing and other intimate details should probably turn back as well... :::::: grin ::::::

That said... I don't know what I'm doing seeing this woman. I mean, okay - she's smart, she's fairly witty, and she's incredibly compassionate. All wonderful qualities in a person, a friend, a partner. But I think, for me, she's gonna have to stop at friend. Because, like it or not, the other things that matter to me - that make me go *schwing* - just ARE NOT THERE.

As an exercise in getting real with myself, I am going to list - honestly - the things that don't work for me. Of course, it's going to make me sound incredibly shallow and, perhaps even ridiculous. But you have to understand that it's a bunch of little things, miniscule even, that add up to a larger reality. I think.

:::::::: taking dose of truth serum and a deep breath :::::::::::
She rubs me, too lightly, constantly, till I finally had to ask her to stop cuz the sound was distracting me from the movie we watched; her apartment smells like CAT; her apartment is messy; she has recycling pouring over in her kitchen - for god's sake, if you're not going to actually RECYCLE it, then THROW it away!; she has martha-stewart-esque touches all around her apartment; she kisses with her mouth open - before our lips touch - I HATE THAT; she leans on me, rather than pulling me close to lean on her; in fact, she NEVER pulls me, or touches me in any firm, definite way; she's always tentative, and sort of graspy; she's a MAJOR bird watcher; she listens to way too much NPR and not ANY current music; she tells stupid stories; she never pays when we go out, other than going dutch; when we made out she was perfectly content to be on the bottom, to be "taken", if you'll pardon the intimate and, for some of you, icky quote; and, she's way smaller than anyone I'd ever normally date, I mean, a tiny, tiny waist.... very hot body, just not my type at all... I feel like I'm gonna hurt her if I lay my head down on her lap, when I want to feel safe and comfy; okay.... the upshot is she's not butch, and she's not hot, and she's not aggressive, and she's not sexy. To me at least. And while she does make me feel sexy, that's more cuz I'm like a sexual adventuress compared to her, rather than any inherent sexiness I hold for her, that say, excites her in any noticable manner. And of course, there's the whole worlds-apart issue, where I feel like I'm from planet freak and she's from the normal nebula....

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL

I say that because, you know, for once I thought how nice it would be to date someone with whom I shared intellectual interests, similar values, and possibly similar future goals. And it is nice.... until it comes time to kiss. I mean, we watched a movie tonight and I ended up more irritated than interested... and she did nothing wrong, just was being herself. Damn. So we didn't kiss. And I know she wanted to. She did kiss my forehead, my hand, and my shoulder several times... and to be fair, I did kiss her hand and her cheek. And I did lay on her lap. I was trying to be cuddly... but it didn't work, we didn't fall together in the way I usually do with lovers.

But should all that matter? I mean, the women who I've felt lust for, who have turned my head and found their way to my bed, they weren't exactly the cream of the crop, not really the best choices for me (as those who know me and my exes nod their heads vigorously) But shouldn't there be a compromise? A little reason mixed in with the passion? Or at least a little passion mixed in with the reason?

I don't know. Well, I write that, but I do know. Cuz even if it means making more potentially bad choices, passion is just too important to me to give up on it, even for a nice, smart, kind woman.

Now I just get to have the drama of how and when and where and what to tell her. Any suggestions?

New Job

Well, I'm off to my new job soon, and I must admit I'm a bit nervous. I always am at the beginning - will they like me? will I like them? will I be good at it? can I keep my mouth shut and not completely embarass myself?

Unfortunately, I have to walk in and almost immediately ask for the afternoon off, so I can go work at the after-school place, cuz they don't have anyone to replace me today. And then tomorrow I have to have at least an hour to go settle up doctor's office stuff before they close down for the summer. That's a great start to a new job, eh? But I figure they have to be sorta used to it... I mean, we are just students...

Saw STAR WARS last night - and LOVED IT! We actually had to sit in the very front row, so the special effects were rather, shall we say, intense. But even so, it was a great ride, I was literally gasping and grinning as the final showdown played out... Sure, there were some corny moments, and sure, there were some odd/stilted lines, but overall, it was just fabulous - as exciting to watch today as the best of the original three were in their day. And that's saying a LOT for this child of the 70's.

And, of course... Amidala's costumes were AMAZING. I mean, really.... they were among the most beautiful costumes ever... in fact, I think I wanna go as her for Halloween, with the blue dress she wore towards the beginning of the flick, with the little arm band-y things and the multicolored corset thingie... (NOT the light blue J-Lo outfit she wore on Tattooine :::grin:::) I wish I could get away with the black leather corset piece she wore when they were in front of the fireplace, but.... let's get real.... it just wouldn't look the same...

Okay - enough drooling over her clothes (oh, did I mention that her wedding dress was just DIVINE???? That veil!) Let's see.....

Still have to talk about no kissy, but now the point is sorta moot, cuz there was definite kissy going on before the movie last night... still not what I'm used to (she's NOT an aggressor at all, she's very slight, she's very tentative) but good... nothing beyond some heavy kissing (god, am I in junior high?) but that was more because of circumstances than anything else...

I still think we won't "work out" cuz we are just coming from two WILDLY different worlds, but for now... it's nice to be normal. Even if it is an act of sorts.

Okay, off to get dressed... see y'all later!

Gloria

They're playing one of my favorite 80s songs right now, one that's NEVER played enough during those retro hours... it's Laura Branigan's "Gloria" ..... ~~~if everybody wants you, why isn't anybody calling?~~~~~ I think they got your number, I think they got the alias, that you've been living under ~~~~~~~~ feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's coming back soon ~~~~~

Now that's music!

On a less musical note, let me tell you about my trip to the hospital last night... It all started out innocently enough, with a much-needed shower to wash off all the grime of moving allllll day, and to get ready for an impromptu date with the nice woman I've been seeing. I'm in the shower, which is different than the one in my old dorm, and I'm setting my shampoo and stuff down on the floor, raising up, and then SMACK! I basically slammed the back of my skull into the little shower water handle thingie, which is jutting out from the wall and pointing straight down, coming almost to a point which, it felt like, drove straight through my skull. I mean, I thought there'd be grey matter when I went back to look at it, it hurt so hard.

So the shock and the pain and such makes me sorta black out a bit, and then I'm on the floor of the shower, and I reach my hand up to feel what I'm sure will be an already giant bump, and my hand comes away covered in blood. oh yay. By then the shock is wearing off and the pain is washing over in those intense waves that almost preclude crying, and I'm starting to get a bit concerned as I piece together - head injury, soft back part of head, passing out, blood, nobody else in the dorm, date's not getting here for nother hour, and woldn't know where to find me anyway - so I decide I need to get to a phone. Luckily I was still in my robe, so I stumble to my room, and find the phone to call public safety. I can't remember their number, so I try everything I can think of, finally giving up and just calling the operator. Finall they connect me and, through the tears taht are now exploding from me, I tell them I hit my head, i'm bleeding, and I'm scared. They get my info and send the cops, and I hang up, literally falling to the floor with the pain. Then I realize that I don't want to go to the health center in my robe and nothing else, so, weaving, bleeding and crying, I stagger around and find some jeans and a shirt to put on, just in time for them to come in...

This being a small campus, with almost no students on it, they must be bored, cuz FOUR of them showed up. They were incredibly nice and over-eager, one guy actually leaped to find a chair from another room to sit me on while the chick inspected my wound, which was still gushing blood. They decided to take me in to the health center, and I got to leave a note - complete with bloody thumbprint from where I was holding the paper - for my date to find.

So, in the health center, the nurse is pissed cuz she had apparently told them that if it even looked like it MIGHT need stitches, they should take me to the hospital, cuz she's only allowed to do certain things, and stitches are not one of them. (I guess taking blood pressure and giving tylenol and emergency contraceptives are all that urgent care is good for here.) So she painfully washes my wound in the sink, while I'm standing there like a kid getting their hair washed in the kitchen sink.

By this time I'm visibly altered, as my words are coming w a y s l o w and s o r t a g o o f y. So she sends my - by ambulance, which is another $50 - to the hospital, where of course, I am like a hangnail surrounded by amputations. I mean, they had three heart attack patients in the short time I was there, along with tons of other cases. But they were very good to me, and I really liked the doctor. They looked at the wound, and said it was not that bad - which by then I already knew - but that I had a concussion - which I also knew (having had dozens in my time.) BUT - when the doctor was looking at it, he had trouble seeing it, so he actually took a razor to it, and shaved off a small (what he calls "less than a dime-sized") patch of my precious hair. I was fairly traumatized, but it was clear he wasn't going to take no for an answer.

While there he also gave me the fourth lecture of the night about not taking my blood pressure medicine, and then he did something that no Dallas ER doc ever would have done. He called the health center, found out what medecind it should be, got me some to last through the weekend, and arranged for me to get a full prescription next week at the health center. I was touched by his concern, and will now make a newly concerted effort to take the damn medicine. Especially since it's supposed to help with the migraines.

Anyway... by this time, my date had shown up at the hospital - fun date,aren't I? When I was released, we were walking to the car,and I was running my hand through my hair, trying to tame the mess, and I came away with a HUNK of hair, that the doc had just left in there. It was sorta horrible, and I started to cry... such a baby. Anyway, I pulled myself together, and she took me to get some food, and I had ice cream (mint chocolate chip) and then she brought me home, and we hugged but didn't kiss, mainly cuz I had spicy chicken breath, but also cuz we aren't all that kissy, which is another post for sure.

So - that was my night, my first night in my new dorm... yay me.

Now I'm off to shower - FINALLY - and then inspect the damage to my hair....

OH yeah - gotta love nurses with a sense of humor...when I asked to go to the bathroom to pee, they said "sure, but you gotta promise not to wipe out in there." haha.

Spring Sprang Back

Okay, I must be misreading my newly restored header date... I could swear it says May, right???? Then why - WHY - are there giant, fluffy, wet flakes of snow falling outside my window? Am I hallucinating? Or is this some sort of trick that New England plays on us, teasing us with shorts and halter top weather and then - WHAMMO - freezing us back to reality with snow?

I mean, really - this is ridiculous. Not to mention that I still have many, many trips to make across campus, and two of them - the chair and the entertainment center - were not going to involve the car, just a long miserable carry through the green. Hah! Guess those two pieces will be hanging out in the living room for a day or two....

Oh well, just wanted to blog about the unseasonable snow. You know, it's times like these that I almost miss Texas. Almost.

There Ya Go

Thanks to Rosie for noticing that I had no Header Dates up... I've fixed it, though they blend in a bit too much for my taste... but I'll fiddle with them later.

As for now... I turned everything in at 8 a.m. and came back to stumble into bed. However, I was so wired on nervous energy, rice krispies treats and diet coke that I couldn't sleep well, and only got a fitful 2.5 hours of sleep before having to go do lunch and go to work. Also, I completely forgot that today was my performance evaluation - talk about a particularly bad day to sleep in on... but my boss understands what I've been through this week, so she didn't care.

Now I'm working on packing up everything in my room and getting ready to move it all across the green to my new home for the summer.

I'm also dealing with some pretty hurt feelings cuz my best friend up here, who I've helped in some significant ways this past year, decided to go watch Star Wars I on video with some friends, when she knew, KNEW that I only had one night to pack, and that I was out of my mind with exhaustion and stress. And tomorrow, when I have to move everything in 3 hours before going to work, she's got to write her final essays, which she could have done all day today, but which she decided to save for the one time I really, really needed her.

I'm trying not to make too big of a deal of it, but it's sorta hard when I'm stuck in my room killing myself packing, while she's hanging out with our friends inthe next dorm.... sigh.... must learn to let go of resentments.... must remember how....

and should also get some new friends perhaps?

Okay.... I'm off to go pack some more....

I'M DONE

And it's 7:08 a.m. Goodnight.

Good Morning

Well, the sun is breaking over yonder hill, and here I sit, still working on this, my last paper, my final final, if you will. And yes, i'm so tired I thought that was funny. Egads.

I'm on my fourth diet coke this paper, and I've eaten about five giant rice krispies treats, not to mention the steak leftovers, the blueberry muffin(s?) and who knows what the hell else.

But, the good news is that I only have 1.5 pages left to write and then the bibliography (which I'll just pull from my endnotes for the most part) and then I'm done. Well, okay, not done. I still have to write a one-page paper, but I figured out what it'll say and I'll do it in the morning. (hehe... well, it's already morning. I guess I mean I'll do it at 11 a.m. so I can turn all this in by noonish.)

Oh, and I suppose I should proofread all this crap before I turn it in... god I hope it's decent... I don't have time/energy/brainpower to fix anything other than a few mis-spelled words and the like.

This paper is turning out better than I hoped, by the way. Must be all the overdrive adrenaline I've got going. Either that or it really sucks and I'm just too fried to know.

Okay, back to the paper....

Oh Yeah

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... I think I did okay on the Social Inequality exam.. I knew all the answers, but my writing definitely lacked grace. oh well.

Talk About Bombing Your Finals

No, I didn't flub up my finals... the headline refers to the ridiculous "bomb threat" we had tonight, which interrupted many people's exams, and which caused me no end of irritation as I had to hike all over this campus to turn in my own final, which I had just finished...

And all the hoopla (evacuated buildings, bomb squads, police dogs) turned out to be about a TOTE BAG left outside the test distribution center... ridiculous! Rumor is that a cop who was called to some medical emergency (some visiting student probably freaking out that we actually are handed our exams and then sent off on our own good behavior to take it unsupervised) and the cop wasn't needed, so he started poking around, and lo and behold - a "suspicous package." absolutely ridiculous. They even X-rayed it, and when that came back inconclusive, they detonated it. And it was probably some poor sap's final art project or something... now blown to bits and lying on a shelf in the police evidence room.

Oh well. The dean is giving us an extra exam time, and the dorms will stay open till 5 p.m. Friday instead of noon, so that's great for all the procrastinators around here. Oh, speaking of procrastinating.... I finished one of my two history papers (just now, that's why I took this blogger break.) All that's left is one 4-page paper on class differences in wartime. Unfortunately, it's due at noon tomorrow, and I'm almost completely out of intelligent words right now. (if I had any for that last paper, which is debatable)

So, what to do, what to do... do I run over to the library, load up on diet coke, and come back to write till about 4, then sleep until about 9, then get up and finish writing and turn it in at 1 on my way to work? That gives me about 6 hours of writing, when this 4-page paper took me about 5.5 hours.... so yeah, that would work (just barely)

The other option is I go to sleep now and try to get up early, like at 7 a.m..... no... that won't work. I have an internal stupidity alarm that doens't kick off till about 9 a.m. at best.

Okay, I'm off to the library (can't believe I ran outta diet coke the last night of finals...)

By the way, to my CCI-friends (And you know who you are...) I find myself continuing to try a keyboard trick to capitalize a letter without using the shift key - I can't quite remember the CCI trick for it, but my fingers seem to have some sort of sense memory that they can do something clever to quickly capitalize words.... just thought I'd mention it, since it's happened like 12 bazillion times today.

BLECH

okay y'all.. this will be incoherent, at best. I've still got 1.5 essays to write, and I'm an hour away from taking my one real final exam. Oh, and a one-page reflection paper.

So, that's 8 pages to write and rewrite before noon tomorrow, with a 2 hour chunk taken out for the test, plus - I HOPE - at least 6 hours for sleep (average this week is 5, and that's just no cutting it anymore.) So that gives me ten hours. Hmmm... take an hour or two out for misc. eating, peeing and general wandering around without a clue as to what I'm doing, and that's 8 hours, meaning a page an hour. Which doesn't really work that well for me, seeing as I've taken THREE hours to write two pages of this one paper, and I knew what I was talking about on it. The other one I'm gonna be making up as I go along... hmmm, maybe that'll make it go faster?

Oh, and I'm getting a terrible tummy ache from the THREE giant rice krispies treats I just ate, which were leftover from last night's 24-hour snack cart next door... yuck.

i hate finals. guess i'm supposed to, but jeez. Course, maybe if I didn't procrastinate so much......

oh - did i mention i had to spend alllll day yesterday getting my car outta tow in connecticut? had to get new registration, new insurance, new plates, the whole enchilada... quite a pain, and really threw off my study plan. but at least now i'm legal.

hey, did you notice i'm too tired/brain dead to pull off full capitalization? it's a struggle just to make a question mark....

okay - one hour till social inequality exam... then back to the paper.... see ya.

Towanda

Okay, I actually woke up before I had to, and so I'm watching Fried Green Tomatoes while I fiddle with the 2/3 of my paper that's written... and I just had to tell someone how much I love this movie. I know there is some criticism for the de-sexualization of Idgie and Ruth, the soft-selling of their obvious lesbian relationship, but I just prefer to see it as focusing on their relationship, not their sex life, and I think it's a fair compromise to get such an important, beautiful love story on screen with such wonderful actresses. Damn, I just love this movie, and like many lesbians, I dream of finding the love that Idgie and Ruth shared....

Okay, just thought I'd share a bit... now back to my paper..... (which, like all my papers, sucks eggs - especially that lame into I posted earlier that has been rewritten twice since then. )

The First Paragraph

It's ridiculous that it took me so long to write this one paragraph, which when blown up to 12 point type and double-spaced (they REQUIRE it that way!) only takes up one-half a page... but at least it's done. Just like with my old job, once I get the lead, the rest of the story is 10 times easier and faster to write. Don't know that that means I'm gonna get it done tonight... but maybe....

Oh yeah... if you have any significant criticisms, be kind... remember that I'm drugged out on massive amounts of diet coke, lucky charms and heath ice cream... i'll proofread it tomorrow.
******
In Their Father’s Name

It was Sancho who said, in Don Quixote, that “a good name is better than riches.” It follows then that the names found in the novel 100 Years of Solitude and the film Lone Star are not, in fact, good names, for they inevitably lead to ruin and regret rather than anything approaching riches. The names are passed down through generations, each one bringing with them a unique heritage that includes such ignoble legacies as madness, incest, illegitimacy, and violence. In Solitude, the names – Arcadio, Aurelanio, Amaranta, and others – tend to predict physical characteristics, personality traits, and eventually, the weaknesses that prove to be the character’s downfall. In Lone Star, the names – Deeds and Cruz – serve a slightly different purpose, obscuring the truth of the character’s lives and relationships, rather than illuminating them. In both, the convention of naming is one of many literary layers used to convey the many twists and turns that families take over several generations.

Study Break

Cool, it's official... I'm a good friend. Well, at least according to this ridiculous blog quiz. See for yourself:





Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]


As for my studying.... I've completed Number 2 (watching Lone Star, it was good) and have picked the stupid topic for Number 4 (the essay on 100 Years and Lone Star - the importance of naming across generations)
However, it's almost 11:30 and I don't get to sleep until I actually WRITE THE DAMN THING! So I'm screwed... as usual....

Course, one consolation is that many of my fellow students are suffering the same insanities that I am... the library's full of grungy girls surrounded by doritos bags and empty cups of coffee, wrapped up in blankets, staring blankly at their laptops or their biochem books...

ah, good times.

Countdown to Freedom

Well, finals are almost due... and I've done NOTHING. I don't know why I'm such a miserable procrastinator, but I am. And now I'm looking at seven essays to write over the next five days, two movies to watch, and one page of vocab terms to define and memorize, and then I'm done. Damnitalltohell.

SO, in the interest of sharing my misery/panic with all of y'all, here is my countdown to freedom:

For Monday at 5 p.m.:
1. Watch The Ballad of Gregorio Cortez (again, this time taking notes)
2. Watch Lone Star (first time, taking notes)
3. Write Amer. Studies essay on the use of language to symbolize the border in Borderlands and Gregorio (3-4 pages)
4. Write Amer. Studies essay comparins some element of 100 Years of Solitude and Lone Star (3-4 pages)
For Tuesday at 5 p.m. (can go to Wed. night if needed):
5. Write reflection paper on any reading from last half of WWII class (1 page)
6. Write WWII essay on Swing and other elements of popular culture (3-4 pages)
7. Write WWII essay on Assimilation and Hyperidentification among minorities during WWII (3-4 pages)
For Wednesday at 7 p.m. (next-to-last exam time, the last one is Thursday at 9 a.m.):
8. Define 10 Social Inequality terms (1 paragraph each)
9. Write rough draft of Social Inequality Essay 1 and memorize it for exam (2 pages)
10. Write rough draft of Social Inequality Essay 2 and memorize it for exam (2 pages)

Also, I have to work on Monday, from 1-6, and on Wednesday from 2-6. And Sunday I have to pick a friend up from the airport, which will take at least 2.5 hours.

ACK! Okay, so maybe instead of blogging about it, I should just go do it??????? Gee, ya think? I'm gonna go get dressed, heat up some pasta, and then go watch the first movie. I'll keep y'all updated on my progress, if only to pretend like there's some level of accountability besides actual failing of classes that I'm otherwise making As in.

Wish me luck....

I'm Number One

Oh, what a proud moment. According to my referrer logs (god love 'em), I'm the first site that comes up on the search for "I will be alone forever"

God, please don't let that be prophetic in any way, shape or form.

Just to counterbalance the complete desolation of that thought... last night I had a blast - went to the club with almost ALL my friends, it was 18+ up night so even the kiddos could go, and it was just a fabulous night. I got more than a little tipsy (which means 4 drinks instead of two) and was able to spend time with all my favorite people (excluding those of you who insist on living in Texas, damn you.)

One question - how come every time I am around L. and alcohol, she ends up biting some part of me? And how come she never means it? I told her she's the ultimate tease, which of course, she already knew. Last time it was a golfball-size hickey in a hickey contest that I was the unwilling/unknowing victim of, last night she asked, oh so seductively, "can I bite your lip?" and I said - drunkenly, I might add - "well, sure." All this with my date watching from across the bar... I immediately went over to her and told her, and she was like "Oh, I thought she was kissing you, but from what you've told me about her, I wasn't concerned."

As for the date....this one's way too normal for me. But damn.... I like her. I smile when we're together, we talk and talk and talk, and we haven't even had sex yet. In fact, last night was the first time we even got a little hot and heavy. But I told her that I'm scared, scared that I have too much baggage and too much history to be with her... she was somewhat reassuring, saying she's not looking for anything serious either, and that just dating is fine with her... which was a relief. I mean, she sorta gives out this "stable, permanent, marriage" kinda vibe, but she explained that's more about her desire to settle down with a house than with a woman... at least for now.

But then, what else could she have said? I hope I don't end up hurting her... she's a wonderful person. And quite brave for coming out last night when it was all my crew - many of them her current and former students. Oh, did I forget to mention that she's a staff member? Not faculty, but sort of assistant to faculty... so we're not breaking the rules (she asked her boss) but it is a bit akward...

It was too funny watching people realize who she was, and who she was with, and then either tittering, blushing, or outright staring....

Well, I'm still undressed and have to be at work in half an hour, so I gotta go....

Thanks to all who have shown me bloglove on my return... nice to know I was missed....

Love the Lyrics

Here are two songs whose lyrics I really like... the first one, The Middle, is by Jimmy Eat World. I haven't even heard the song, but I really, really like the lyrics, so here they are:
hey
don't write yourself off yet
it's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
just try your best
try everything you can
and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

hey you know they're all the same
you know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in
live right now
just be yourself
it doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else

it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fineeverything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be all right

do your best
do everything you can
don't you worry what their bitter hearts are going to say.

And here's a great drum and bass song by Kosheen that I heard on Senor Moby's House of Music, on MTV... here's the lyrics, though of course they cannot even begin to come close to how cool the song/video is. I think part of what I like about it is the phrase "protect you from the world you rejected," which resonates for me on a strong butch/femme level... in addition to the basic queer level... anyway, here's the remix version:

if you were in my heart
i'd surely not break you
if you were beside me
then my love would take you
i'll keep you in safety
forever protect you
i'll hide u away from the world you rejected

i'll hide u
i'll hide u

i'll hide u away from danger
cover you night and day
protect you fear no stranger
baby send your love my way
hide u away from danger
cover you night and day
protect you fear no stranger

baby send your love my way
hide u away from danger
cover you night and day
protect you fear no stranger
baby send your love my way
my way my way

if you were in my heart
i'd surely not break you
if you were beside me
then my love would take you
i'll keep you in safety
forever protect you

i'll hide u
i'll hide u

i'll hide u away from danger
cover you night and day
protect you fear no stranger
baby send your love my way
hide u away from danger
cover you night and day
protect you fear no stranger
baby send your love my way

Help!

Okay, I need more technical help - I want to make my favorites links smaller, without changing the font of everything else. How do I do that? Should I just bracket the blogrolling script with an html code that gives a smaller font size, then ends it before going on to other items? and what would that code look like? and is the best guess I can come up with , but I'm scared to try it without guidance.

So - any of y'all have an idea????

The Return of the Blog Quizzes

Yep, I'm back to procrastinating with blog quizzes.... it must be finals week.....


Which Angelina Are You?

Good Morning

Well, I'm sitting here in my bra and panties really - REALLY - not wanting to go to class and work today. It's a GORGEOUS day here, and, like Katie, I really wanna take a day off. I'd like to go lay on the green in some shorts and a tank, get some sun, fall asleep for a bit, then wake up just in time for the lunchtime parade of fine young things in their much skimpier shorts and tanks (some actually wear string bikinis - it's like living in a teen movie) and then go back to sleep until the cool breeze turns cold and I head back to my dorm for some serious television vegging.... sigh......

But no, I will get dressed, go to my final Amer. Studies class - YAY - then have a lunch date with my "teacher friend" and then head to work, where any semblance of calm and serenity I have will be beaten out of me by my little darling children. Then back here for a hopefully-decent dinner, then a review session for Social Inequality - the only class that's actually giving a final. Then it's back here to FINALLY finish my Ed. Psych paper, which was due a week ago, but will instead be turned in tomorrow.

And to think I'm gonna miss this over summer.....lol

Stormy Weather

Mmmmmmm, severe thunderstorms are comin' my way, the tv says... I love storms on days/nights like this - the way the air fmells, feels, the way the lightning cracks across the sky, the sound of the rain drumming on the fire escape outside my window... I only wish I had someone to share it with.... storms are so romantic, so sexy, I think....

Course, I actually have three people who are beginning to enter the realm of romantic possibility..... when it rains, it pours for sure. Course, there are - as usual - significant flaws/obstacles with each one, or else there'd be just one and I'd be singing her praises on this here blog....

I'm tempted to write more about them, just to get it outta my system, but.... all three are rather technologically savvy, and I would HATE to have them come across it and recognize themselves.... so..... I'll write more as they are eliminated (as I am sure they will be)... but not for now.

By the way, I cleaned my room today.... well, for the most part.... it's so nice to be able to walk around without bumping into boxes and such.... but two weeks from now I have to move to another dorm, where I'll be the summer RA (queen bitch, as I like to call it) so it's sorta pointless to clean too much. (course, that's sorta my opinion all the time )

Technical Help Needed...

Okay ya'll... I'm getting my links and such back up, and I'm thinking about what I want to replace the pixie.cam that's currently living on the upper left part of my page, and I'm actually thinking about putting a pic of some sort of me up... but I can't figure out how to do it. I would store it on my school's server space, but then it seems like anyone could determine my name, school, even dorm number, just by right clicking on it... So - how do I do this??? Any ideas/suggestions? Same for the pride photos I wanna put up... are there any free accounts that would be good to load these pix to and then link to them there? Any help appreciated....

Pride and Joy
Today was Pride (They hold it early up here cuz of alllllll the college queers up here) and I just got back awhile ago.... It was fun, but full of mixed feelings for me. I was supposed to hang with a girl from work and her friends, but they had to leave early for softball practice (how cliche, eh?) So I ended up doing most of it myself... which was sort of odd.

It's events like this that make me miss home.... here I don't really have any sort of a "posse," a "gang" to hang out with. There are no old friends to spy across the park and shout out to, there aren't even any exes to smile at as we pass by, or avoid... So I sat on the grass and walked all the queers walk by - looking just like the queers back home, but different... stangers wearing the exact same Old Navy uniforms we wear back home...

The pride part of it was great, of course... but there was plenty of melancholy... cuz during this time of singleness, which is really pretty okay with me... I am missing my friends, I am unhappy with my "aloneness."

It doesn't bother me that much during school, cuz I'm surrounded by people, many of whom I would count as truly good friends.. but for whatever reason those same friends are not interested in doing the things I like to do away from school. A. is straight, and just totally uninterested in any sort of outside queer festival/parade thingie... others are underage and unable to go dancing, others are just, I suppose, school friends.

So what do I do? How do I begin to make connections with like-minded people in this area, which I hope to make my home? I guess first thing is to find out what like-minded means.... this is another area where my own inner contradictions comes into play - I don't know if there *are* like-minded people out there... I'd be happy to find some who are even sorta-like-minded....

Anyway - the parade was interesting - no giant floats sponsored by beer companies or HIV medicaitons, no drag queen extravaganzas... in fact, crunchy middle-aged gays and lesbians with their kids and/or dogs were the majority of marchers, followed in numbers by the young trans-activists, including Dallas boi, who I also saw Thursday and who told our psycho abusive ex that we "sorta hooked up" and what school I go to. I wasn't thrilled about that, to be sure.... oh well.

So the parade was infinitely more homegrown than the Alan Ross Corporate Extravaganza, which was sorta nice... I took some pictures, and they might even make it up on this site at some point...

Let's see - what else... I got a great t-shirt, it says "We're Here, We're Queer, Our Parent's Think We're Studying" It supported the queer youth group and was just to cute... also got all the lesbian mags... Curve, Girlfriend, On Our Backs, etc.....

Always nice to reconnect with the community, to see it in all its various flavors and colors and styles and attitudes... now if I could just find someway to feel a part of it, instead of an observer. Maybe that's why I liked journalism so much... it fit my natural tendency to stand on the side and take notes, rather than getting in the mix myself.

~~~~happiness is BET playing Outkast's Bombs Over Baghdad video.... makes me wanna dance~~~~~~

Don't Panic

Saw Panic Room tonight... it was incredible. We (the four of us) were squirming and twisting in our seats - and several times actually screamed or gasped out loud. Wonderful film (and not just because the woman herself is in it)

Oh - thanks to Pixie for stopping by, and not complaining about her lovely photo still being on my site... Be sure to check her out by clicking on the pic... her site's great, and that I Kiss Girls site is a riot!

HELP

How do I put my archives in the box to the left???? I just don't get it....

update: Never mind... got the archives back.... yay me.